Can some one help me (show me) maybe a line or two to understand iambic.
Each line -- ten syllables in iambic pentameter; mine has 5 to 6 sylables for each line. I am having a hard time figuring out how to spot the iambic. It is done in Villanelle style. it is simple... but this is my first time trying it. To live up to the Villanelle style it has to be iambic.
I know it is NOT correct but any help would be SO apperciated!!!
I lost my most impassioned love today,
His eyes are primitively occupied.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
Does he fraternize, yet beg me to stay,
Relief the three judges can’t decide.
I lost my most impassioned love today
I want to end the delay,
I know he lied.
I want to toss it all away.
All he did was play,
I have to be snide.
I lost my most impassioned love today
I hope he becomes gray,
A part of me died.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
There is nothing he could possibly say,
I have too much pride.
I lost my most impassione nd love today
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
I don't know how to edit this post this is what I was meaning to post
I lost my most impassioned love today,
Tomorrow has no hope, it has all died.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
Does he fraternize, yet beg me to stay,
Relief the three judges cannot decide.
I lost my most impassioned love today
I long to be he’s helpless victim, no delay,
The final tears were shed as our hearts slide.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
Whispers in my brain, all he did was play,
The sad mechanical exercise of his pride.
I lost my most impassioned love today
I don’t want to sink so deep again today,
Oh God, am I all right all I did was tried.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
There is nothing he could possibly say,
His mud-caked hand presses over my mind.
I lost my most impassioned love today
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
I lost my most impassioned love today,
Tomorrow has no hope, it has all died.
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
(All correct, but comma after dearest and semicolon after today. Flounder us away is strange. Seems fishy. Different verb?)
Does he fraternize, yet beg me to stay,
Relief the three judges cannot decide.
I lost my most impassioned love today
(I like the substitutions and would keep them. Who are the 3 judges? Period after today, question mark after stay?)
I long to be he’s (his?) helpless victim, no delay,
(6 beats - ditch 'helpless'. )
The final tears were shed as our hearts slide.
(Mix past & present tense.)
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
Whispers in my brain, all he did was play,
(6 beats)
The sad mechanical exercise of his pride.
(Waaay too long.)
I lost my most impassioned love today
I don’t want to sink so deep again today,
Oh God, am I all right all I did was tried.
(6 beats again, bad grammar to rhyme tried.)
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
There is nothing he could possibly say,
(Too short: There is not a thing that he could ever say?)
His mud-caked hand presses over my mind.
(Strange imagery, but the substitution is not too bad.)
I lost my most impassioned love today
My dearest please don’t flounder us away!
Needs lots of work, but those are some metrical changes I would suggest. Take them or leave them, your call. It is really tough to write a good villanelle anyway.