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Forgotten Love
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.tys.bellsouth.net)
Date: June 19, 2004 12:55PM

Have you ever felt like everything
that mattered, now is gone?
Everyone that you once loved
who loved you back has left?

Do you ever wonder if he felt
true love within his heart?
Does the chance that it might be
a lie tear you apart?

To put all you are and all you have
into that which you want,
just for him to walk away
as if it never was,

Is possibly the most depressing,
deflating, and sadd'ning
feeling in the world, like a
sharp punch in the stomach.

Like swallowing the biggest, coldest
stone, getting stuck halfway
down, keeping you from living,
or even breathing right.

It wouldn't be so bad if you would
remember, or even
think of me sometimes. Instead,
I'm left to pine away.

Your picture is still on my collage,
your presents all around
my room. San Francisco is
my favorite daydream,

because despite all efforts, I can
not forget about you
the way you forgot 'bout me.
If I could just say goodbye...


I know this isn't all that great. It's a sketch, so to speak, to get some of the thoughts and ideas out. I'm wanting to write focusing on one particular aspect, instead of spilling all of them out. So I really don't like it, I'm just writing it out for now. There will be a revision.

Does anybody have any suggestions, feelings or comments?

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Forgotten Love
Posted by: W. Wizard (---.client.comcast.net)
Date: June 19, 2004 02:32PM

It would seem your main muse is heartbreak, as is with so many poets, it stirs a deep emotion that is hard to describe. You do a good job here, and I think only you could make the true appropriate changes. If it were from my perspective there would be a lot of little differences I would make, but I don't want to put those unto you, because it would take away from YOUR meaning. As far as the structure, I liked the outline, but had a little trouble with the second stanza. It just didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem. Nice work, especially for a start!

-W. Wizard


Re: Forgotten Love
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.tys.bellsouth.net)
Date: June 19, 2004 02:54PM

Wizard,

Thanks for the comment. Yeah, S2 is a little awkward, and this is the biggest reason I don't like working with metre anymore. I used to write with metre alllll the time, but it almost forces you to pause in weird places.

As of right now, yes, heartbreak is probably my muse. Quite frankly, there are three things on my mind as of the last two months: heartbreak, new friendship, and working on my relationship with Jehovah God. Now.. I can't write about the friendship cuz I don't feel.. passionate about it, ya know? It doesn't exactly "drive" me, if you know what I mean. It's difficult for me to write about God. I have feelings, not words about Him. I can talk about Him to anyone, but I can't write a poem. I did write one, called umm... The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty. So, that leaves heartbreak. Also, it's the only thing that most people that I know don't want to hear about, or hear about too often, or whatever, so.. I write about it, to get it out. To try and organize the dusty mess in my mind. To try and.. fix things, but of course, fail miserably grinning smiley

Anyway, I would appreciate hearing the little changes you would make. I wouldn't necessarily make them, but I'd still like to hear them.

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Forgotten Love
Posted by: Broken Silence (---.202-68.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: June 21, 2004 12:30AM

sigh
I've been there, I think you described it rather well.
I enjoyed the poem, even though it brought back some painful memories.


Re: Forgotten Love
Posted by: lg (---.dhcp.trlk.ca.charter.com)
Date: May 19, 2005 12:23AM

Long time since I've seen this one. Howdy, Bruce.


Les


Re: Forgotten Love
Posted by: Percival (---.rev.o1.com)
Date: May 19, 2005 01:26AM

Personally, I'm quite glad you didn't give it much focus, creating a horrible insult upon the art community and all it's efforts.

Otherwise it would be the same old same old. Lady comes in, swaying her massive verse to and fore, shaming all us.. "Lesser" poets (As you are SO inclined to say.) I've personally grown quite tired of hearing that even your, "..pen leaking produces mastery far beyond.." MY simple conception.

You'll have to pardon me while I practice sharpening my pencil, oh Glorious One.

=]

I can't say much about the topic, I approach the idea differently.

But the layout I can do. It feels to me like short, smooth breaths of speach flowing into each other. The commas, periods, & question marks only changing your speach pattern to the smallest degree. So the whole thing just feels smooooth. Would I be correct?

I enjoyed everything but the subject =]




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