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The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 13, 2003 01:38PM

On my way to visit Stability
(a place for bipolar rest),
I am met with opposition,
a million, one thousand and one
voices...

callings....

pressures...

I want only to be in a place
where I don't have to fight
anymore --
I'm so tired...

You are all around me,
you and your demons,
surrounding me as I walk
down pathways to front doors;
as I shower, alone with your thoughts;
as I try to sleep at night...

Incubus!

There is no peace, no rest
of this struggle, and I am
growing weary...

You are dragging me down!
Tempting me away, away, away
to your lair of comfort, of
satisfaction, so perfect,
nothing to fight for,
nothing to want,
so warm, so stable...

Get away from me, Satan!

Let me be! Let me go home to
my Father, my Family, the only
One who's never let me down!

How long must I endure your
tortures, your tauntings, your
teasings! Tasty hors d'oeuvres
of a feast of filth! How long must I
fight for the last breath of my own?
How long will these shackles of
temptation chew at my Achilles heel until
finally I fall into your arms!

I'll scratch out your eyes if you
dare rape me of my Truth.

You know yourself
that you will never win,
so what are you fighting for?

One act of worship?
One bow to Your Darkness?
Your Falsehoods, your Lies?

My heart beats in consideration:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Never!

As my heart still beats,
my spirit still fights,
until you are gone,

Forever.




-- Copyright 2003 to Megan A. Clemmer



Post Edited (04-05-04 11:13)

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Ian Beaumont (---.ipt.aol.com)
Date: December 13, 2003 01:45PM

Wow!, Moi Femme Du Soir,

You really blew me away with that poem. I didn't see anything wrong, and the imagery was great.

bows to you

Ian B


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 13, 2003 01:46PM

Thanks, Ian. I'm not happy with it, but I want it to be whole, and perfect. It needs some editing, it's a bit long, and it needs a more powerful ending.

Thank you for your read and comments.

Ton Femme du Soir

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: December 13, 2003 02:03PM

Editing is a tricky proposition, because the prejudices of the editor (even if it's
yourself) come into play. My preference would be to end the poem after this stanza:

One act of worship?
One bow to Your Darkness?
Your Falsehoods, your Lies?

But, that's a personal decision which should be made by the writer, not the reader.

Les


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Jean-Paul Bonhomme (---.nt.net)
Date: December 13, 2003 04:51PM

I like it!
Sounds very personal.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: D-a-d (---.174-201-80.adsl.skynet.be)
Date: December 13, 2003 05:27PM

Mmm, that should be "ma femme du soiree". Sounds like one of Father Karrass's incantations from the Exorcist. Not sure on the gender perspective, but its all a bit trite to be honest.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 13, 2003 11:39PM

Trite?

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: John Poff (---.qc.sympatico.ca)
Date: December 14, 2003 01:35AM

Great work Lady Of The Night. I really got into this poem, and I can relate to it as well. Vivid visuals.-John Poff


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: December 14, 2003 02:38AM

Hey me little Nutmeg,

I am sorry if I haven't been there for you when needed of late; too busy hiding in Valleys of Viscous (yes Chesil, this time I do mean it that way. lol), to really be much use for others to lean on, but I am trying. I feel the pain in this piece resonate through me like I have been hit by Christy's tuning fork (sorry, in joke!).

Anyway; as you said that you were unhappy with it, here are my suggestions, (which is to essentially shake it up a little, and to delete a bit):

Spiritual Struggle

On my way to visit Stability
(a place for bipolar rest),
I am met with opposition(; )
a million, one thousand and one
voices...

callings....

pressures...

You are all around me,
you and your demons,
surrounding me as I walk
down pathways to front doors;
as I shower, alone with your thoughts;
as I try to sleep at night...

You are dragging me down!
Tempting me away, away, away
to your lair of comfort, of
satisfaction, so perfect,
nothing to fight for,
nothing to want,
so warm, so stable...

There is no peace, no rest
of this struggle, and I am
growing weary...

Incubus!

Get away from me, Satan!

Let me be! Let me go home to
my Father, my Family, the only (I am unsure that that the singular works in the follow line, with the addition of family in this one).
One who's never let me down!

How long must I endure your
torture(), ()taunting(), (and) teasing()!

Tasty hors d'oeuvres
of a feast of filth!

How long must I fight
for (a) breath of my own(; )
(free of) these shackles of
temptation (that) chew at my Achille(')s heel

-until I fall into your arms!-

I'll scratch out your eyes if you
dare rape me of my Truth.

What are you fighting for?

One act of worship?
One bow to Your Darkness?
Your Falsehoods, your Lies? (call me superstitious, and I know you are starting a new sentence here, but that Capitalised Your both here and in the line preceeding it, really gives me an icky feeling; like you are placing him equal to God. Me no like! sad smiley Sorrrry!)

my heart still beats;

thump...

thump...

thump...




-- Copyright 2003 to Megan A. Clemmer

I have certainly managed better critiques than this, so I apologise that I wasn't able to do more. You have some very strong stanzas here; particularly S1, S3, S5 and S7. Having said that, here is an alternative version of your poem.

On my way to visit Stability
(a place for bipolar rest),
I am met with opposition,
a million, one thousand and one
voices...

callings....

pressures...

You are all around me,
you and your demons,
surrounding me as I walk
down pathways to front doors;
as I shower, alone with your thoughts;
as I try to sleep at night...

Incubus!

You are dragging me down!
Tempting me away, away, away
to your lair of comfort, of
satisfaction, so perfect,
nothing to fight for,
nothing to want,
so warm, so stable...

Get away from me, Satan!

How long must I endure your
tortures, your tauntings, your
teasings! Tasty hors d'oeuvres
of a feast of filth! How long must I
fight for the last breath of my own?
How long will these shackles of
temptation chew at my Achilles heel until
finally I fall into your arms!

I'll scratch out your eyes if you
dare rape me of my Truth.

My heart beats in consideration:

thump...

thump...

thump...

-- Copyright 2003 to Megan A. Clemmer


Yes, I think that I prefer that over my first attempt. Your the poet; you be the judge.

Love you dear, kiss on cheek.

Yer cabbage,


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 14, 2003 10:47PM

Les,

I don't want to end it after that, because it doesn't give any closure, but thank you for your time and suggestion.

My good man,

Thanks, buddy. 'Preciate it.

John,

Thanks for reading, commenting, and liking.

Mon petit chou,

Ummm... which one do you want me to respond to? First or second?

Thank you all. bows low, and out

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: December 15, 2003 02:43AM

I think that there are some points in the first that you should consider (I am not discounting it completely, which is why I didn't delete it), but mostly I would go with the second.

That is it for me here tonight. Emule isdriving me nutz; it took 3 tries to call this one up to read and comment, and 6 with the thread before that and I have cable. I don't even want to think about how long this would have taken with a modem!).

Ciao


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 16, 2003 04:01AM

No bragging. I'll comment later; it's 4:00a and I just got home from shootin' pool grinning smiley

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: twotenranch (---.75.20.143.Dial1.Phoenix1.Level3.net)
Date: December 16, 2003 08:56AM

Dama Noche,
Ese es muy bueno.

Terry


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: December 22, 2003 07:20PM

Muchos gracias, Senor (sp?).

Dama Noche

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: lgreen (---.client.comcast.net)
Date: December 23, 2003 02:03AM

Lady: I personally prefer your closure.........very very well done...good work....Ell


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: 8s_are_nice_ (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: April 02, 2004 06:08PM

now this poem speaks loud and clear.. nicely done


Re: Spiritual Struggle (working title)
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: April 03, 2004 01:02AM

Thank you.

Lady

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty
Posted by: steff (---.lond.broadband.ntl.com)
Date: April 17, 2004 05:56PM

hello i was just wondering if it was ok to use your poem as it was my inspiration for my dance gcse piece, it will be written in my programme notes, and i dont hv a name to put it under, if possible could u e-mail me you name dont worry if you dont want to.
Thank you for being my inspiration smiling smiley
steff
xxxxxxx


Re: The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty
Posted by: Jean-Paul (---.nt.net)
Date: April 18, 2004 04:53PM

Just another comment:

I never wrote anything that I felt was finished.
I rack (wrack?) my brains, only to think of a fitting addition or variance long after something has been commited (or submitted)
We can NEVER, as imperfect beings, create perfect poetry. That is the nature of our craft. We only build on what already exists and if the building ever stops, our purpose is moot.
True originality stems from what never existed (paradox?) and ALL art is influenced by Creation (which already exists) or other art.
Only the Creation around us is original................and somewhat complete.
Don't fret too much over not having your poem exactly the way you want it because that is never going to happen. There will always be something to add to it or to improve it. Aim for perfection, but expect reality.

Jean-Paul


PS- Brucefur, if you are reading this, Go Canucks GO!!!!!!!

"I "Love Summer more than I hate Winter"


Re: The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.tys.bellsouth.net)
Date: April 21, 2004 09:12PM

Steff,

For some reason, my computer won't let me pull up your profile and therefore I can't get to your email addy. But you're welcome to email me at AngeDuWest@aol.com and further explain yourself smiling smiley

Jean-Paul,

You're right, but I don't normally feel a need to go back and revise. I'm almost always satisfied with the way it is, because I feel I've expressed what I needed to express. However, this one's different. Perhaps because it's dealing with an issue that I will never win alone, but wish so badly that I could!

Lady of the Night

I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.


Re: The Battle of Strength and Sovereignty
Posted by: Jean-Paul (---.nt.net)
Date: April 22, 2004 07:01AM

Nocturnal Chickeepoo

It seems that your poetry is usually very personal and so much an extension of yourself.
Remember Paul's battle with his fleshly existence?
You can look forward to perfection............you know it will come, only not now.
You said it yourself:

As my heart still beats,
my spirit still fights,
until you are gone,

Forever

Now, if only I can practice what I preach, I'll be OK too.
Hang in, hang on and hang out

Juan Paulos Buenos Hombre

"I "Love Summer more than I hate Winter"




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