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Any suggestions?
Posted by: K.Q. (212.118.14.---)
Date: November 19, 2003 03:15AM

Purgatory

Nothing for a whole day,
And I wait and wait in vain.
The impatient pounding
Of a heart is supressed by
Pleasure derived from a memory
Close, but far away!

Judging by the manner,
My mind decieves myself.
Understanding myself,
My spirit surrenders to faith
In the wandering eternity
Of a dream once inhaled!

Time, then, pays off
A debt long postponed.
Space is void of emptiness;
Dreams empty of love,
Which is a bliss,
For the price of loving is
Not living eternally!


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Re: Any suggestions?
Posted by: Debutant (---.range217-43.btcentralplus.com)
Date: November 19, 2003 07:16AM

If I read it correctly it is about coming out of purgatory (only purgatory is in the first stanza).

"memory close, but far away" is not specific enough to evoke any feelings.

"Judging by the manner" doesn't say much, as the next line implies that already. So is "understanding my self" redundant as we are doing those process throughout the poem.

"Judging by HER manner" is a totally different issue which doesn't apply in this poem (and why am I talking about it).

Having these two lines one after another has more impact and hold the reader without unnecessary meanderings. You keep piling up your emotions one after another to take your reader's breath away, don't pause to let them wander.

My mind decieves myself.
My spirit surrenders to faith

I don't mean to lecture, but to only suggest, but in my haste in writing my tone may not seem that way.
I like what the poem talks about which can be improved.

Amongst other things I have experimented in my poem "To be or not to be" was the pace of the stanza, which was laguid in the first stanza with all the long syllabled words and quicked in the second stanza with single syllabled words. I don't presume it to be an example on how to write but to share with you what I have tried and experiment on, whether successful or not can only be judged by others who have read it and felt it the same way as I intended.


Have fun



Post Edited (11-19-03 06:37)


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Re: Any suggestions?
Posted by: K.Q. (212.118.14.---)
Date: November 19, 2003 08:01AM

Dear Debutant,
Thanks a lot for the suggestions that do sound so! I have made a few changes and would be interested to hear more criticism. I appreciate your taking time to read! Thanks again!

Nothing for a whole day,
And I wait and wait in vain.
The impatient pounding
Of my heart is suppressed by
Pleasure derived from a memory
Grasped, yet gasped away!

Judging an eerie manner,
My mind deceives itself.
Understanding my self,
My spirit surrenders to faith
In the wandering eternity
Of a dream once inhaled!

Time, then, pays off
A debt long postponed;
Space is void of emptiness,
Dreams empty of love,
Which is bliss;
For the price of loving is
Not living eternally!

p.s. why do many think i am a he not a she? just a question!


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Re: Any suggestions?
Posted by: Debutant (---.range217-43.btcentralplus.com)
Date: November 19, 2003 09:44AM

Yea I liked it better now, much better, before my interest was lost after the ending of the first and the beginning of the second stanza. Now you propelled me through from the first to the second the the rest flows naturally. This is of course one opinion of one person on this site.

Well I think it is you username K.Q sounds sharp, hence associated with a male. If a username sounds mellifluous then everyone would associate with a female.

Now this Debutant (withouit the 'e' is not female..lol..just in case)

Sometimes the poem one writes reveals one's gender. Man writes about wooing and woman writes about being courted. Nowadays it doesn't stop another woman wooing another woman or man and various other permutations.


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Re: Any suggestions?
Posted by: Pam Adams (134.71.192.---)
Date: November 19, 2003 06:29PM

I like this version better. Smoking is bad for your health, though.

pam


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