I can't find it; I don't know what it is
that I'm looking for, but without it
my stomach is empty and hollow
and nauseous. My world should
be complete and whole with lack of nothing,
but it's not. When will I find
what I'm looking for? When will I learn of
what I am seeking?

I miss you. You are the one I need
in order to fill this empty hole within
the pit of my belly. I crave to touch you,
to hold you, to breathe in the sweet Polo
Sport which you wear seemingly just for me,
but is really because you are so keen
in your fashion sense and sensibility.

I can't understand you, no matter how
hard I try, and so I continuously call
you crazy and insane, because I simply
cannot find another phrase to describe
the spirit I love so much, the smile that
lights up my life, the heart that beats
purely to love. I should understand you;
I know everyone else, and so why not
the man that I love? I can't.

You're so far away and I don't know you,
but yet my soul starves for your very existence.



*********


Light of spirit, hollow of eye, I exist
for the day that we'll meet again.
Memories of you are in constant
playback, reminding me of nine days
and a morning during which I was
purely happy.


*********

Lady of the Night

Last poem: "Light of spirit and hollow of eye,"

Lady of the Night

Tgis is very good, I like the line "9 days and a morning" Very neat. Great poem!



Cheers!

-Oxide Slain

Thanks again, Caleb! He was here in Maine for 9 days and a morning But I don't think you were around on the forum when I was obsessing over his visit, lol. Any suggestions?

Lady of the Night

Lol, no, I was gone for awhile. I left after some fights and then my internet was down for a month...But, that might have been funny.... And I once again have one: Where your section starts off as "I miss you", I would put it deeper, sortov like..."I miss you deeply". (Just a opinion)

-Oxide Slain

Thanks for the suggestion. I was thinking that I kind of wanted the "I miss you" to carry simple depth, if that makes any sense. Kind of like to say that those three words carry the world's weight and the oceans' depths... did I fail to do that?

And it was the most wonderful vacation

Lady of the Night

lol, actually, while I was responding on your other poem I was thinking that exact thing, that maybe it's good because of the simplicity whilst surrounded by lush, poetic and elaborate sentances. So I guess i goes both ways.

-Oxide Slain

Well, thanks! Glad to know I wasn't way off, lol. I'll check out your work either later tonight or tomorrow, cuz I gots to go for now. Thanks muchly for yer critique.

Lady of the Night

I like the second poem... If i may suggest on the first poem... the first verse is like you don't know what this pain is and the second you know what it is.. I don't know the wording kind of makes it seem like all of sudden i know what is wrong. You have all these question but then you have all these answers and the flow of thought is thrown off. The rhythm is nice though... And one line in the third verse, "the smile that lights up my life" seems so used.. It is said so many times in poetry. I think you could say somethin different.. It is one of those things that are always said which i feel the poem looses some emotions. Just some thought on the poem. Take whatever you think works.


Albero without a blasted "t"

Thank you for your critique, Albero. It was well thought-out, and I appreciate it.

Well, here's the thing... I don't know quite what I'm searching for (confusion, emptiness that most of us have gone through at one time or another), but I know I'm searching for SOMETHING. Then, I figure out what it is, but only kind of. I'm searching to understand my boyfriend, Angelito, whom I can't understand. So that I'm searching for him, but I don't know him in the way that I want to, so I don't know what I'm searching for... confusing, I know. I'll try to work it over some so that I can better portray that idea.

Thank you also for pointing out the overly used line. When I write prose like this, I tend to just write and let it flow, and whatever comes out, comes out. I suppose that's why commonly used phrases come out I'll keep that in mind, too, and see if I can't make it a bit more original. Any other suggestions?

Thanks again!
Lady of the Night

Also, what do you like about the second one? Any suggestions for that one, too?

Lady of the Night

The thing i like the best of the second poem is the rhythm. It sounds more like it is some sort of witch chant. It almost feels like "double, double, toil and trouble." I thought it felt really funny but it also brought more thought of how much you really like this guy, but can't have him. This is brought on from the beginnin, "Light of spirit, hollow of eye." they sound like ingredients to put in a caldron, but ingredients not really possible to get, thus you can't have him. And the line about "9 days and a morning" seems more like you saw this guy for like 9 days and spent a night and woke up with him beside you and that was the best feeling. It just brings on a lot of thought, which i like. This poem is like the happy version of the first poem, only this one doesn't balance through the line of almost gettin corny, so to say, which i feel the end of the first poem almost does. Personally, i feel that many authors cross the line of emotions to corny emotions of love, but of course that is just me (I'm more of a pessimist when it comes to love, so happy happy writing of love seems sometimes corny). This poem sounds more genuine, more down to earth. wow i wrote more than i thought i would. you owe me a critique then, j/k. But this is just my opinion of course, take what you like or what you don't like.

Albero without a blasted "t"

Again, what an awesomely detailed critique. So refreshing on this forum I agree with you about happy happy love stuff. I never was any good at writing the mushy "I love you" poems, though I'm not pessimistic about love. Interesting that you read it that way... I suppose you've never read Jewel's work? When I read over this second poem/prose, it kind of reminds me of how she writes. I absolutely love most of her poetry and her style of writing. Nobody else says "chews like stone" in their work!

Nine days and a morning is literal, as I mentioned above to Caleb aka Oxide, but I like how you interpreted it, and I love the way you put time and thought into your critique.

I'll give you a critique now

Thanks again,
Lady of the Night

Self-promoting

Lady of the Night

spins in circles Ooo A change in poetry by the Lovely Lady.... Hey nice to see some poetic online love work. Nice indeed. Ima have to post one on that note. Thanks for sharing.

Lady--I posted on this last night--where is it--course it was 1:30 in the morning--what I said and what I want to say is--lovely poem by someone who seems to be in love--when we fall so hard we give a lot of power to another person...it does seem scary because part of that power is the ability to hurt us....sometimes we must just trust---and take a free fall....Ell

Ahhh! Don't tell me that!!!!! But thank you See, I don't mind falling in love with him (maybe) in the FUTURE. But not now! Not ready yet, and neither is he. We both have a lot of maturing to do first!

Thanks, Noco. Yes, let's see a new piece about the lovely Meg! A girl I go to school with was at the dance that Angelito and I went to, and she was telling her friends how nice it is to see an Internet relationship/meeting actually work; you always hear about the bad ones, and never about the good ones. I'm just glad he wasn't an axe murderer.

Lady of the Night

Bump for new critiques

Lady of the Night

Has it been rewritten?

pam

No, it hasn't been. Do you think it should be? How? I'm thinking about re-writing it, yes, but not sure when or how. Suggestions?

Lady of the Night

To me, it's not 'poetic' enough, but then I tend towards the rhyme and rhythm school of thought. I was just wondering why the bounce if there wasn't a new version in here.

I loved these lines "I know everyone else, and so why not
the man that I love?"

pam

I gave it a bump in hopes of getting new people to critique it. Thanks for the compliment. As far as rhyme and rhythm, sometimes I write that way, but not if I'm just looking to flush out my mind. Would you consider this to be prose, or have I just totally missed the ballpark?

Lady of the Night

To me it feels prose-like. The key I think is why are the line breaks where they are? If it doesn't matter, then it's probably just as good in paragraph form. Since I can't hear you reading it, it's hard to feel the rhythm in a piece like this.

As an example, when I heard one of my favorite poets, David Lee, read his work, my understanding of the work changed dramatically. He was speaking as a rural Midwesterner, with a rhythm totally different from my SoCal speak. I didn't think it had rhythm, but it did- once you heard the true voice of the characters.

pam

Mhmm... I'll keep that in mind. It matters somewhat where the line breaks are, but they don't exactly make or break the piece. I mean, I do break them where I do for a reason, though it's hard to explain. As far as a rhythm, I mean for them to be read with the "natural" rhythm with which people speak. I'll keep in mind though what it's like to be reading it from the audience's point of view, and I thank you for that

Lady of the Night