eMule -> The Poetry Archive -> Forums -> User Submitted Poetry
NORTHCOUNTRY PLEDGES
In the name of the broad-boled Douglas fir in the back yard
where the moon lies tangled six branches deep,
I swear
that when you laugh into my mouth I will swallow the sound
like champagne; it will bubble in my blood forever.
In the name of the the most elegantly black-and-white patterned
loon with its cold, amber eyes and eerily falsetto cry,
I swear
that when you fussily and didactically plant tulip bulbs,
you seed flowers in some dry wasteland of my being.
In the name of the great horse-headed moose lunging
from the lake at dusk with its broad, black antlers
streaming a galaxy of lily pads,
I swear
that I will love you imperfectly, unwisely,
and to the best of my frailties.
This is wonderful, because you took me there with your vivid images. I can stand with you and see and hear as you, through your words. This is poetry.
JP
Wow there is some really intense imagery here. I love the lines:
I swear
that when you laugh into my mouth I will swallow the sound
like champagne; it will bubble in my blood forever.
I'm really impressed - every line drips with beauty. My only problem is with the flow of the piece... maybe some punctual punctuality would help (though its hardly my forte so I can't offer any suggestions here. The other thing that I found that threw me off was the rigididty of the structure; I found that the constant repitition of 'In the name of...' prevented me from being utterly absorbed by the piece. But hey, thats probably only me.
And it could just be that living in Australia I've never actually seen a real moose or a douglas fir, and don't even know what a loon is!
Superb! I will certainly be recommending this one... only now you silly goose, you have me wanting to head up to my cabin where there are loons on the lake (well probable not now that it is frozen!) and douglas firs scattered over the property. Not many moose there though as it is bear and deer country, the moose are where I am living now, in Prince George, BC.
From your IP address, it looks like you are from the USA, is that correct (apololgies if I am mistaken)?
Anyway, this piece is superlative, amazing and has achieved perfection.
hats off to you
i don't have a hat, but you can bet I love this!
wow!
I love the images!
Sarah
Thanks, JP. I'm an image-oriented kinda person. Your comments are treasured.
Hey, JP! Taking you there with me is the point, now isn't it? Thanks for your comments.
Northcountrwoman, This is a terrific poem. Well thought out, great imagery. Have not seen you here before, welcome. jhs
Eeeek! I think I just replied twice to the same person! Oh well. Who among us is perfect. Errrrrrr.....not a real question.
The shape of this piece troubled me from the beginning, and still does. You are very perceptive.
The shape is an experiment--maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.
Whether you've seen a real live moose or Douglas fir is irrelevant.
Thanks for your comments --
Welcome aboard for i don't know you.But the poem needs another title. Nice work great imagery no doubt. I enjoyed the read much much. Very good job with words.
"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice
Nolon,
What is wrong with North-Country Pledges? As a title, it works just fine for me.
Lmao i thought it was just her name. Is this some dumb nolon moment ?
Though it was a different name eh haha.
"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice
Whether seeing a moose or not is quite irrelevant. I have missed seeing on but this piece is extremely good. The words, shapes and images have a perfect flow. Wonderful work.
Two fingers none the wiser
Yup, I'm in the USofA, and many thanks for your kind comments!
Yikes! I didn't know my little comment at the end of my critique would be fastened on to such an extent. Especially it was said in pure light-heartedness. Of course it doesn't matter if I've never seen a moose, or a fir, or a loon..... I was meaning to be joking.
Sigh, oh well, sorry for my oblique comments. What should be focused on is the fact that this is truly a beautiful piece. While I find the shape/flow of the poem a little problematic (and I do mean a little - there have been quarks bigger than my problem), my overiding feelings are awe and wonderment. Gawd, if only I could paint such landscapes and love with my words I would dance a jig of joy.
Welcome, Northcountrywoman.
I loved the poem and imagery. One image didn't work for me.
"you seed flowers in some dry wasteland of my being,..."
I felt as if you were incapable of responding to the seeds
because you were a dry wasteland where nothing would ever grow.
Perhaps another image where the seeds replenish the ground and make the wasteland fertile, moist and reproductive in some way.
I look forward to your future posts,
Sledge
Welcome to the forum. This is an exceptional piece. I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Thanks for sharing,
Jay
I am not sure if I should critique this again or not....but hey, why not!
If I've told you once, I've told you a gazillion times that boled is a horrible word and should be removed! Maybe, I'll go back to plan A and let the maple off and direct the chainsaw at the Douglas Fir to avoid future inspirations of this sort.
Other than boled, I still like this piece a lot. I think the structure is fine and the repetitions of I swear and then the In the name of are an integral part of the structure and to remove them would take the heart out of the poem.
I am still a little uneasy that streaming a galaxy is a mixed metaphor.
BTW. I may plant the tulip bulbs fussily, but never didactically
Bold is a perfectly good word, if used properly as in "Bold peanuts" meaning to be cooked in water exceeding 212 F.
I agree with David, I had to add a comma here and there to make it flow. Having said that, there is another amongst us who paints with words. You have joined her. I have oft gazed upon Douglas fir and moose, and enjoyed the sight of both. I did it again above.
Disagreement with Mr. Edge, I pictured a wasteland that will soon bloom with astromeria and dandy-lions and all between. Converting said wasteland to a garden. Or to be precise, a soul that has been awakened and will soon flower of it own volition.
Please do this again.
Terry
boled in this context wasn't a typo for bold, Terry. northcountrywoman and I have had a fairly lengthy debate about this word offline - we are good friends and she will know I am teasing....again...though I'll never be persuaded that boled is a fine word for the poem!
Let me just say, that being from northern Canada, where Douglas Firs are plentiful, I think that the word bole (the diameter of a tree) works just fine, and better in fact than broad, as it is less common, and therefore less mundane. In combining the two, Northcountrywoman (Ack! what a name!) describes a great grandfatherly old growth tree perfectly.
I too agree with Terry (paramedics standing by!) as to the seeding. However, I had no problem with the puncuation, so perhaps it is because you pronounce Louisville as monosyllabic? ;o)
Lastly, with regards to the streaming galaxies of lily pads. I am not sure that it is truly a mixed metaphor, Chesil. After all, the universe is not static, and the galaxies do in fact flow, if not necessarily in the manner that we are accustomed to.
I really do understand that. I can use "boled" in a sentence. I still don't agree with you on the word, users of English have said "bole" and "boled" for centurys. Doesn't make it bad. Sometimes it is the only word that works. Try other words to say the same thing and see which is best. Broad trunked???? Wide bottomed????? I think not. Put me down for broad-boled. My favorite in this work is "Six branches deep".
Terry
We'll agree to disagree. Boled is a terrible word and in view of the emerging from the lake and all the other watery stuff going on, I'll be sticking to my view that galaxy is not the right word too!
Bump for Les.
Welcome Northcountrywoman, I enjoyed it. I too, were taken on a journey of visuals with your poetry......
It was different and hey....everybody knows ..I like different....
Keep up the good work and I shall be following one step behind
Thanks JP, I do not recall reading this though I'm sure I must have. Great style you have NCW.
Les
Thanks for the comments, omantic and Les! This was fun to write.
Another example of NCW's fine work.
Les
It was and is a fine poem but I still don't like boled
I never did take the chain saw to the maple or the Douglas Fir. Plenty of time yet though.
Thanks, Les! I was surprised to see this one again.
Chesil--step BACK from the chain saw!
I like this poem. Just to add fuel to fire. I do not like boled, sounds nasty. Nor do I like holed or poled.
Could you be cajoled to be rolled, were one so bold?
NCW
Woodman, spare that tree you say.
That maple needs to go. The yard would be far brighter without it. The Douglas fir may yet survive
Hugh, your wit bowled me over!
northcountrywoman,
I love your poem. Great use of imagery to emphasize commitment to someone else.
Hugh,
That's old as gold (or so I'm told)
"I "Love Summer more than I hate Winter"
Thanks for reading, Debutant. I did try words other than boled, but simply couldn't find anything else that worked better. Broad trunked--ugh! That just thunks--heh, heh--a mini-pome! trunk/thunk... errrrr...sorry, I've been painting and the fumes are getting to me.
Hugh--find your own damn rhymes!
Chesil--there are endangered spotted owls living in all my trees, so their environment (ALL the trees) are protected by the Government. Sorry 'bout that.
Jean-Paul--thanks so much for your comments!
Ya'all drive carefully now, if you'll be out tonight. Best of wishes for a great new year!
NCW
NCW, there are no spotted owls, just a large raccoon, if you recall.
If she says there are spotted owls, then damn it, there are spotted owls.
Why do men want to go around chopping things down anyway?
Happy New Year.
JP
JP, that's easy for you to say, it wasn't your life at risk from the giant raccoon. I bravely drove it off whilst wearing only my nightwear while ncw cowered in the house! I don't even recall being rewarded with tea for my efforts!
There are herds and herds of spotted owls in the trees! What is a bunch of owls called, anyhow? It's a murder of crows...
Chesil, I think leaning an inch or two out of the patio door and whispering 'take a hike, bloody beast' in a British accent is more the act of a foolhardy person than that of an exceptionally brave one. There's no proof that the whatever was a raccoon, anyhow. It could as easily have been a rabid bear. The wise person, when made aware that there is some huge animal cavorting on the roof, screams loudly for a while and then puts the covers over her head. That can hardly be called cowering!
Maybe it's a hoot of owls. Your escapade was certainly a hoot, my first laugh of the new year.
Thankyou,
JP
What is a bunch of owls called, anyhow?
A parliament.
Not to mention a wunch of old bankers.
Hey, who you calling a wunch?!
A far better term would be a lunch of old bankers.
ncw, you were the one decided that it was merely a raccoon, though months later when the sight of it's feet sinking into the patio roof was forgotten!
The great big whatever may have been slouching towards Bethlehem to be born.
Chesil--I think it might have been a moose.
Parliament! Thanks, Hugh.
JP--Yup, there's dozens of parliaments of spotted owls littering the now safe trees! Guys like to chop down trees--it's genetic and cannot be held against them. Look at George Washington and the cherry tree. Though this is supposed to be an invented story, I say--ha! He did it, and probably took out a few maples and firs too.
I've heard of partridges in pear trees, but a moose in a fir tree, nah.
JP, this would have been a moose in a maple. Nicely alliterative.
Hugh-
Most of the Americans here (JP & Chesil excluded) are baffled by your 'wunch' transposition. I didn't take it personally as I am not THAT old!
Jack
wanker
Derogatory term used to infuriate Americans as they don't know what it means.
Sorry for such tacky conversation on your thread NCW.
Hugh started it.
JP
Post Edited (01-01-04 23:52)
Was the conversation tacky?? Then obviously Hugh started it, the berk!
I really like this one, Northcountrywoman. Great gusto. Combining a sort of mad Celtic excess with something of the unexpected imagery of Latin American writing. Can't think why Chesil objects to 'broad-boled'; but retaining that expression, is there another adjective you could use for the moose's antlers, to avoid repeating 'broad'. (Not that that repetition jars). The title is just fine. Making one word of Northcountry fits the poem's overall eccentricity.
Berk!? Ncw, just be grateful I did not give you my limerick on 'for whom the Tells bowled'.
Ian--thanks for your comments! As I recall, this one galloped out as an antidote to working on sonnets, which is enough to drive anyone mad, even assuming they were marginally sane to begin with.
In truth, I was more concerned about using 'broad' twice than by using boled--you be right on target there! I kept it, of course, for the alliteration, and because I wanted a one-syllable word there, and because by the time I got to that point--hell, what did one more poetic sin matter? A couple of possibilities: blunt or bland. Whatcha think?
ncw
You need to keep the boled! Let the illeterates curse your shoe prints if they must.
Some things, like vampires never seem to die do they?
CUT THE TREES... ONE AND EVERY ONE!!! As we have seen in Montana the last couple of journeys around ol Sol,, if you don't cut them, they're gonna burn.. my banker prefers that somewhat.
Spotted owls..huh? You can't make a house, nor a roll of toilet paper out of a spotted owl... which by the by lives just fine in culverts.
CUT THEM!!!
Terry
Terry, it's a good thing I read the classics, Gordon Lightfoot, Peter, Paul and Mary, Dylan...otherwise I wouldn't know what you're talking about.
Gotta good beat! I'll give it an 85.
Les
I'm snowbound and drunk.
ncw
Wow, this is really good. Personally I can't see any flaws in this poem. I really love it. =)
NCW,
One could not ask for more from another human being:
I swear
that I will love you imperfectly, unwisely,
and to the best of my frailties.
Truly a beautiful piece, thank you for sharing it with all of us.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. (Aristotle)
Thanks D-a-d--high praise indeed!
M.P. and Gywdion -- thank you for reading, and for your kind comments!
ncw
i seriously loved this.
Last bump for the day.
There is not a smidgen of trite or cliche in this woman's saying.
Peter, for such excellence under all conditions.
Thanks for bumping this, JustJack--it was a fun one to write and startling to see it again!
Peter--thanks much for your comments.
Best of wishes to all emulers for a great New Year!
ncw
I love the title and wish I could speak to nature as eloquently
and passionately as you do. I share your passion though.
xoxo,
Lisa
Northcountrywoman was one of the finest poets who contributed to this sight. I think Les may have created an anthology of her posted work; if not, I hope sommeday he will. This bump has reminded me of how beautiful the English language can be. Thanks Peter.
Joe
Northcountrywoman was one of the finest poets who contributed to this sight. I think Les may have created an anthology of her posted work; if not, I hope sommeday he will. This bump has reminded me of how beautiful the English language can be. Thanks Peter.
Joe