Goto Thread: PreviousNext
Goto: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: October 10, 2002 09:36AM

"Unbroken"

He asks for an understanding of what it is he feels
Begging for permission to break down and cry
He falls to his knees, face to the earth
And pleads for an answer, a hope, a hint of solace.

She hears his words though he does not speak
But knows she is limited and cannot help
For what is needed at times like these
Are the words that cannot be known, and so he is lost.

He is everybody's hero, a survivor of their world
But a superhero is a mere man uplifted by society
Ridding the world of all its evil, brushing away their tears
But what happens when his eyes begin to burn, and he cannot see?

She knows his story all too well, but cannot explain it
To the one man who needs it, who wants it, who is searching
To be found, for she is a victim of all that is silent
Frustrated and aching for she cannot speak.

Travel down a hidden road
Walk along the beatenpath
You tell yourself you can't look back
For if you do, you will break
And we are prisoners of all that is unbroken.

- November 2, 2001


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Quiet Dreamer (198.81.26.---)
Date: October 10, 2002 04:38PM

Ah. Who is there to save the savior? Great piece, hon. I love it smiling smiley

Love,
Angelito, aka Quiet Dreamer


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: October 10, 2002 04:44PM

Thanks babe smiling smiley kiss

Love,
Megan, aka Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Alice McGaw (24.67.253.---)
Date: October 11, 2002 02:41AM

Nutmeg, I really liked this story.

Brucefur


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Brucefur (24.67.253.---)
Date: October 11, 2002 06:05AM

Oops, I guess my Grandma liked it too!


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: October 11, 2002 12:17PM

What's up with that anyway? Something on WA...? And when you get a moment, could you critique it further? Thanks smiling smiley

Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.unet.maine.edu)
Date: October 15, 2002 02:40PM

Dooby doo...no minutes everyone? sad smiley

Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Ylena (---.ne.client2.attbi.com)
Date: October 15, 2002 06:39PM

Lady of the Night,
I really like this poem! I would suggest breaking it down. Here is a suggestion:

"Unbroken"

He asks for an understanding
Of what it is he feels
Begging for permission to
Break down and cry
He falls to his knees,
Face to the earth
And pleads for an answer,
A hope,
A hint of solace.

She hears his words
Though he does not speak
But she knows she is limited
And cannot help
For what is needed at times like these
Are the words that cannot be known,
And so he is lost.

He is everybody's hero,
A survivor of their world
But a superhero is a mere man
Uplifted by society
Ridding the world of all its evil,
Brushing away their tears
But what happens
When his eyes begin to burn,
And he cannot see?

She knows his story all too well,
But cannot explain it
To the one man who needs it,
Who wants it,
Who is searching
To be found, for she is a victim
Of all that is silent
Frustrated and aching
For she cannot speak.

Travel down a hidden road
Walk along the beaten path
You tell yourself you can't look back
For if you do, you will break
And we are prisoners
Of all that is unbroken.


Ylena


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.unet.maine.edu)
Date: October 16, 2002 04:57PM

Thanks for the suggestion smiling smiley I will definitely consider it, though I don't promise to change it! But again, thank you for your time.

Loves,
Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Ian Beaumont (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 17, 2002 11:12AM

It is difficult to say amything about this poem, Lady. I feel something, something like, a knowing, a feeling that I know this feeling, and I can't say much more than that right now.

About all I can say other than that is it is very well written. Keep up the good work, la femme du soir.


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: silent siren (---.dip0.t-ipconnect.de)
Date: October 17, 2002 11:29AM

Ylena,
you are definitely challenging for me since this was what I would have suggested as well to our poet!

Milady Megan,
a very good piece. Thumbs up.

siren


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.unet.maine.edu)
Date: October 17, 2002 12:18PM

Thank you both, Ian and Siren. Ian, when you can explain this "feeling," please do so! I'm intrigued smiling smiley

La femme du soir


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Ian Beaumont (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 17, 2002 08:15PM

I think what it is with me, Meg, is that I try to be there for others all the time, and yet, I give so little time still to myself. There are times I want that understanding that he looks for in the poem.

That's about as much as I can say, Megan.


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: bobo (---.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: October 17, 2002 08:43PM

Lady:

Very haunting and beautiful poem! I also agree with Ylena's line breaks-- they give the whole piece balance and fit to the most incredible part: the ending where you say,



Travel down a hidden road
Walk along the beatenpath
You tell yourself you can't look back
For if you do, you will break
And we are prisoners of all that is unbroken.


Maybe "beatenpath" is slightly cliche'd... but other than that, whatta wrap!

bobo


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: October 17, 2002 09:21PM

I too think that Ylena's remake is a good one. it is still your words after all, so I say; GO WITH IT!

Love ya,
Brucefur


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: October 18, 2002 08:09PM

And I say I'LL THINK ABOUT IT! smiling smiley Lol, thanks guys.

Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: silent siren (---.ber.dial.de.colt.net)
Date: October 20, 2002 06:40PM

Oh yeah.

Megan and Bruce.

When will I ever see so good a fight between two poets.

Anyone popcorn?

siren

;-)


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: October 21, 2002 05:46AM

Hey there Siren, quit slumming and give me that post for Worlde Arcane would ya?

Lady, isn't this a democracy? Shouldn't the majority therefore rule?

Judge Lady's ruling is hereby over turned by an act of congress.

Take gavel from the chubby cheeky teen, who is too young to sit the bench, and in this case, even vote Thhhhhhhhhhhhhhpt :-P

Luv ya,
Brucefur


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: lgreen (---.client.attbi.com)
Date: October 21, 2002 09:24AM

Lady- This is a wonderful read...I also agree with the breaks that Ylena suggested...although--your original format is still good...but there is added depth if broken as suggested...it is ok that you need to think about it---it is your poem......there is always this tinge when someone wants to rearrange---but often, a good suggestion....enjoyed the ending especially and agree with bobo--whata wrap.............Ell


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.unet.maine.edu)
Date: October 21, 2002 10:01AM

Thanks Ell smiling smiley I'll take a look again, and THINK ABOUT IT.

And you, Bruce! Did you just call me chubby?????????? Takes the gavel back from Bruce and whacks him upside the arm--gently. Sure, it's a democracy, but what I say goes! Ask Angelito smiling smiley Besides, YOU are not enough to make up congress! So gather some friends and then we'll talk about it. pounds gavel

Lady of the Night


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Ian Beaumont (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 21, 2002 01:42PM

Lady, you are beginning to sound like a Princess Leia Committee!!! ;-) yawning smileyD

Quote from The Empire Strikes Back, "I am not a committee!"

Takes the gavel off Lady and raps it once on the bench, like an auctioneer.


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: October 21, 2002 09:04PM

Sold to Ylena for 5 votes to Lady's bid of 1!

Quickly Ian, pound the gavel!

:-P Brucefur

PS: I called your cheeks chubby, not you! Besides... nothing wrong with being chubby, or skinny, or anything else. Beauty runs deeper than that. Also haven't you noticed that Angelito has chubby cheeks too? I guess I am just jealous; I have always liked chubby cheeks!


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Ian Beaumont (---.cache.pol.co.uk)
Date: October 22, 2002 08:26AM

Pounds the gavel on the bench

I'd give you a kiss, Lady, but I know a certain dreamer wouldn't like it too much! yawning smileyD


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Lady of the Night (---.unet.maine.edu)
Date: October 22, 2002 03:41PM

No, probably not, Ian, but hey, lol, thanks. And Bruce....I'm sorry to disappoint you, but my cheeks are not chubby. I never really wanted chubby cheeks, come to think about it. Tara has very chubby cheeks but they make her look incredibly hot. I'm sorry, but she is.

steals the gavel back In this courtroom, I am Judge, and I overrule all of you! This isn't a case of jury duty! It's a small claims court, and I rule! So there! pounds the gavel

Judge Lady


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: October 22, 2002 10:48PM

Who is Tara?


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message
Re: Unbroken
Posted by: Noloco (---.vp.centurytel.net)
Date: October 23, 2002 05:10AM

"PAIN you know your right's" Good old Nirvana it's what the world need's...Oh yea i forgot im not in the Nirvana world. Hello hey i was reading this poem it was called unbroken great read. Need i mention very sad tale,but enjoyable.

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice


Options: Reply To This MessageQuote This Message


Goto: Forum ListMessage ListSearchLog In
Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.
This poetry forum at emule.com powered by Phorum.