You came too close,
I pushed you away,
I pulled you back,
and I pushed you away.
You got mad at me
and the situation
because I wasn't fair,
but you were too close!
The intimacy scares me
'cause of the scars that I have,
so for the sake of yourself
I went away.

In my old life,
before you came along,
everything made sense,
everything was right!
But then here you come
Shakin' it up
And lovin' it down
Breaking every
single
rule
I made, and
every
single
wall
that you came to.

Who gave you the right?!
Who SAID you could take
my life away?!
Fate happened -
or divine intervention -
and stole everything
that made sense away from me,
Leaving me here to fend for myself -
or rely on you, and that's
not an option, 'cause if I do
then I'll have to fall
fall
fall in love,
and I'm scared to fall...!

But I sit here now and realize
that the only life that I really want...
is the one I have
with you.

Lady of the Night

ohhhh!
that is soo cute!

puppy face

Oh boy! That is a feeling I know so very well.

I pushed away the only girlfriend I ever had. She left me, because she was convinced I didn't love her. I did love her, but I will admit that my own life was turned upside down and I never did quite settle into the new one.

The only life I now want is the life with her, but its the one life I can never have, cos now she loves someone else.

But I sit here now and realize
that the only life that I really want...
is the one I have
with you.

a feeling i've felt many a times.

My dear Megan,

I love you. Believe me please...

All my love,
Angelito, aka Quiet Dreamer

God, you too are wonderful.
We should all be as lucky to find someone.

Sarah

Sigh...
Okay, we agree it's really good, in content...
But to me, it lacks of density, too much like prose, the plot could be thicker, shorter, know what I mean?
Anyway, if you're not in the mood for criticisms, simply ignore this one...
Hugs
siren

sad yet very wonderful and i love the way you wrote it

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice

Thanks guys. This isn't the finished version, but then...have I ever actually re-written anything I said I would? I don't think so....this didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to at the end. I had two finishing lines that I wanted and loved, and by the time I got to the end....I'd forgotten what they were! Ach, stupid me..

I love you, Angelito. Hmm...have we made anyone reach for The Bucket yet?

Lady of the Night

Where's Bruce's opinion? sniff

Lady of the Night

I'm surprised not to have heard from Bruce either. But then I haven't heard from you about my new poem either. sniff

Ian B

I think he has been working alot.
I have only talked to him shortly.
He seemed occupied.

we all miss him.
Sargirl

I would borrow Bruce's bucket. But he hasn't quite finished barfing in it yet. I'm with the siren: content good, form self-indulgent. Hark at me, the man who dresses up prose as poetry!

Stephen

hehehe Stephen, you may have it, I am done now.

Sargirl is right, I haven't had a day off in over a week, and likely won't till Wednesday. I have been up all night, writing out the post orders for Word on the Street.

I am still reading, but no time to give it what it is due, and so will come back to it when I have more time. Same for you Ian.

Brucefur

poor bruce.

Yep man. Earn your...er...anyone knows what the currency in Canada is? Am I right with Canadian Dollars?
siren

Siren-

Yes. It's Canadian Dollars, or, as we call them in Detroit, quarters!





That's an exaggeration, of course. A quarter is one quarter of a dollar. A Canadian dollar hangs around about 50-60 cents American.

A Euro hangs around one American.
siren

Those words create a very interesting piece of imagery. A 1 Euro coin, on a chain, hanging around the neck of a stereotypical fat american who is eating a hamburger.

I'll get me coat...

Ian-

A stereotypical fat American, who is eating a European (someone from Hamburg?) presumably because he forced an outrageous rhyme. We all know the motto "Rhyme me, or I'll eat a Berliner" (or a Frankfurter)




(bows to siren)

'Wurst' conversation I've ever heard. JP

Well then, what do we do with Kennedy?
"Ick bin ein Berliner!"

siren
rolling on the floor laughing, great posts!

The way I see it, Bruce - I bring a heavy duty British hosepipe; you bring barrels of extra cold Canadian lake water; and we hose these jokers down until they cry unkle.
Kapeesh?

Stephen

Nö. What does unkle mean?
And what became out of black bread in London? I never found it when I wanted to eat it!
siren

That Siren was a typo; should have been Uncle.

Okay Stephen you have a deal.

Hmm... Berliner... I could really do with a donut about now, even if it was named Kennedy! :-)

Brucefur

siren-

'unkle' (or uncle) is an arbitraryterm used to indicate 'I give up'
Like when your older brother is bending your arm behind your back. He doesn't want to break it. He just wants to hear you surrender, thus confirming his dominion over you.
It doesn't really MEAN anything.
Like:
Happy as Larry (who the hell is Larry?)
Bob's your uncle (I thought it was Larry!)
In like Flynn (must be Larry or Bobs' last name) whoever he is, what is he in?

ooooo....the bell's about to ring, but when I get back in about 10 minutes you'll hear from me!! Lol!

Lady of the Night

Stereotypical fat American?? ExCUSE me?? I must say that I do enjoy my hamburger and I am NOT fat! At 5 feet 8 inches - tall for a female - I weigh about, oh, 145 lbs. I'm big boned as well. So there!

(and hey! I said allll that in my "Ian" accent. It was so much fun! Yay!)

Oh, Ian, did you see my most recent pictures? They're on my profile, on User Profiles I. Go see! "I'm a hottie, I'm a hottie!" Ahhh, I am soo just kidding. And I'll get to your poem this morning - hopefully!

Umm...what else did I need to respond to....oh yes. Bruce! When did your work become more important than ME? Aish...all these Canadians..got their priorities all outta wack...

I can't really remember anything else...thanks for the short critique, Stephen. Much appreciated But what did you mean by "form self-indulgent"? And I STILL don't get the "point" thing that Nolon said...or was that over on FCIV? Oh boy...

Lady of the Night

Lol, hey Bruce, can you see/hear my fingers flying over the keyboard as I type out my scattered thoughts?

Nutmeg,

I am here at last. Here is my take on the poem, without changing TOO much. I think it needs many more changes though, if it is to become a good poem. It is in desperate need of more imagery, or it will continue to lack impact to the general readership. Angelito knows what is said here and doesn't need the filler to broaden it out, but the rest do.

If you can find a way to wrap it in metaphors (such as my example with the blanket) it will be a piece that could truly soar. I am under no illusions that you will keep it as I have rewritten it; I am hoping rather that it will give you something to start with.

If rather than saying, "Everything made sense, everything was right," try and find a metaophor or similie that will describe that for us.
There is enough emotion in this piece that I can tell that it has the potential to be truly powerful, and I look forward to seeing whatever your fertile imagination comes up with.

You came too close, I pushed you away,
I gathered you back, and then rebuffed you again.
Railing at me for the inequity of your situation,
but you were too close, and because of the scars that I have,
Your intimacy scared me, wrapping about me so closely;
a blanket through which I could not breath
and so I made the sacrifice;

I went away.

In my old life, the one before you came along,
everything made sense, everything was as I believed it should be,
but then you came, Shakin' it up and lovin' it down
breaking every single
rule
I made, and
every
single
wall
that you came to.

Did I give you that right?
Who SAID you could take my life away!
Fate happened - or divine intervention - and YOU stole everything
that that I had trusted to be true, leaving me here to fend for myself,
or rely on you, and that's not an option that I can take, 'cause if I do
then I will have to fall
fall
fall in love…
and I'm terrified of heights!

But I sit here now and realize
that the only life that I really want, is the one I have

with you.

Lady of the Night


Jack,
I agree, our dollar is worth um... not much, but that is dictated by the Bank of Canada more than by the economy. We keep it artificially low in order to lure the stereotypical rich American north to spend all of those tourist dollars. :-P
They look and sometimes sound just like us, and the only way to tell us apart is by the "I think I still have some Monopoly money in here, Har, har, har."
(Our money is all in a bunch of funny different colours, where-as the Yanks are all just green.)
It has worked too. I think that tourism is Canada's number one industry; I know that it is British Columbia's.

Lady,
I will take a flying guess that by self indulgent, Stephen meant that your poem screamed ME ME ME, and didn't address Angelito's feelings. Don't worry though, we have Meanie Butt's self indulgency in "Not one of my usual pieces," as a counter point. :-P

Also, I have my priorities straight. YOU do come first, work comes second, toys come third, and your poetry lags somewhere near the bottom :-P j/k.
Don't worry, you are still in my Will, and if anything happens to me, you will at least get through college; even on our weak Canadian dollar.

Hugs Megan ma fille, I am proud of you.

Love,
Brucefur

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice

Huh? Will? College? Whaaat??? I never heard anything about this!

Thanks much for your revision of my piece. But hmm...it was a bit too wordy for me to keep it as you wrote it. But I'll keep it in mind, and like you said, it'll help me out if I do work it over again and make it "good." (Did that make any sense...? My brain scattered and I had to BS my way through what I was trying to say and it came out wrong....damn brain always scattering all over the place...worse than dropping M&Ms..)

Now I'm frustrated and my brain is seriously malfunctioning. These words aren't even coming from my head, so I should probably go...

Lady of the Night

Turner Classic Movies

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice

Are those the ones with the black and white lion at the beginning? Or you talkin' about the T.V. channel? Or...?

Lady of the Night

It is the channel!
silly girl!

Hey, lol, the movies on there start out with the black and white lion!

Lady of the Night

cool