Roadwork 09-16-2002 12:52

Gone are the sultry days
where girls whizzed around on
roller-skates, root beers balanced
on their serving trays, at the A&W drive-in.

Condominiums fill the fields
where we used to bring the girls,
swilling popcorn, and sodas
in the car, at the movie drive-in.

Concrete highways, are no more,
their tell tale clickety-clack, that used to
mark off the miles, are all now the smooth whisper
of asphalt, when I go drivin'

Bruce Herbert Fader

This is a real rough draft folks, and I am open to suggestions. I am unsure whether there should be a period at the end of the last quatrain, and if so, where it would go; before, or after the apostrophe.

This poem is mainly for Ell, JHS, Jack, and JP. Those old enough to recall what I am talking about. Enjoy.

But, sigh, it is me who discovers it and will have to post first - question of honour. So, first reaction after I looked up condominions (Eigentumswohnungen):

when girls whizzed around
on roller skates, root beers balanced
on

..hum...I just took it down, but guess it will have to stand still at the end of the line. So don't change it.

Second stanza: Is there another nice word for girls? And for drive-in? Repetition is the mother of knowledge - and boredom in poetry and any other art.

Finally let me say this does not sound finished and round, could expand, be more, I can't hear the special "echos" of your thoughts, it begins in the last line and then suddenly stops because the poem is finished!! Perhaps this is only me as a foreign being and because I don't understand what you might intend with"concrete highways", how an A&W drive-in looks like, those old times you want to show up are not present to me and I don't understand the ominous "background" of course you mentioned.

By now, you should be meat under my knifes...poor you!
I am very honoured to have had the possibility to post first!
Keep on moulding...and explain yourself a little.

your personal
silent siren selysse

I like what she said. Go with that. I like it, but what has seemed to slip your mind is that young people don't sleep, and love to spend time reading and writing. It may be YEARS before the wise get here.

i like it!!!!!
Sargirl

hey! they still have drive-ins! well, at least they do in california.

it's nice, though. remenicing of the old days is always welcome, just don't live in the past.

as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he

Liked it Bruce,
Only thing is, I never saw a drive-in when I was young, just in the movies. Never had a car either, shanks' mare for us. After reading Siren's post I thought maybe this might work:-
Gone are the sultry days
where girls whizzed around on
rollerskates, root beers balanced
on their serving trays, at the A&W. (though I see you used drive-in as a repeat, so you could leave it for effect.)

Condominiums fill the fields
where we used to bring them (we already know you're talking about girls)
swilling sodas, and popcorn ( one doesn't really swill popcorn)
in the car, at the movie drive-in.

telltale or tell-tale

Nostalgia for you Yanks, for me no popcorn, rootbeers, drive-ins, though I did once rollerskate on top of a control tower. JP

JP,
You rebel you! A control tower no less. I know a 87 year old lady in Alberta, who as a child used to sit on the cow catcher at the front of the steam engine, and as a teen, climbed the water tower in Wataskewin. For some reason you remind me of Cora ;-)

Both you and Siren have good suggestions, and I will see about working them in. Longer... hmm... I will have to see about that; more inspiration will be needed.

Siren,
The last time that you asked for me to lengthen a piece you never looked at it again. As per, "The Glass Slipper" :-(

Brucefur, You nailed it as far as I'm concerned. The nostalgia came flooding in. In response to Sirens' comments, you could substitute "car hops" for "where girls." Regarding the double use of "drive-in", it works because that is what they were called. However, other names come to mind such as "passion pit" and "root beer stand." The "clickety-clack" on the concrete was perfect. Nice job, and thanks for remembering us old timers. jhs

Bruce-

First of all I'm surprised you didn't get a big SMACK (not the good kind) for implying ladies are OLD enough to remember the good old days! Where I come from, even a 90 yr. old will smack you for hinting that she may remember Nixon!

To the poem. Yes, it does have an incomplete feel to it. The repetition works, but only if it is allowed to develop. The repetition fo 'girls' doesn't work, but another term for them would.
JP is right. You don't 'swill' popcorn. Swill has a moist quality to it. Gobble or it's equivelant might (wolf?). Just kidding.
As far as the 'ending' goes, well, it doesn't really end does it? It just sort of stops. Might I be so bold as to suggest that instead of stopping on this downer ending, stretch this out. Possibly tie in one of these mythical femmes to a more contented future, with a nice place on 25-50 acres, where both of you drive in at the end.



just a thought.

Bruce-

First of all I'm surprised you didn't get a big SMACK (not the good kind) for implying ladies are OLD enough to remember the good old days! Where I come from, even a 90 yr. old will smack you for hinting that she may remember Nixon!

To the poem. Yes, it does have an incomplete feel to it. The repetition works, but only if it is allowed to develop. The repetition fo 'girls' doesn't work, but another term for them would.
JP is right. You don't 'swill' popcorn. Swill has a moist quality to it. Gobble or it's equivelant might (wolf?). Just kidding.
As far as the 'ending' goes, well, it doesn't really end does it? It just sort of stops. Might I be so bold as to suggest that instead of stopping on this downer ending, stretch this out. Possibly tie in one of these mythical femmes to a more contented future, with a nice place on 25-50 acres, where both of you drive in at the end.



just a thought.

Oh... by the way, I have several drive-in restaraunts within a mile of my house, even a drive-in movie within 10 miles.


No rollerskates though (liability issues)

This was my attempt at a revision.

Roadwork

Balancing serving trays,
girls whizzing on roller-skates,
with root beers.
Gone the A&W drive-in.

Condominiums fill fields
where we brought dates,
swilling popcorn, and sodas,
staying late, at the movie drive-in.

Concrete highways clickety-clacked,
marking miles. Now, smooth
whisper of asphalt
silently rushing time, when I go drivin'.


Bruce, ahh, nostalgia. I thought I'd read a little of the past entries when
I came across your "Roadwork."
I did feel it was incomplete. I tried to re-arrange it without absolutely
wrecking your sound and sense so my revision might not seem incomplete.
My apologies if I've trampled on your poem.
As you can see, I try to get rid of articles and such. I think it tightens a poem up in a lot of cases.


Sledge reading the archives.

Hey Squire thanks for taking the time.

I have been working on it, on and off for a while now, having agreed with all of the previous recomendations, but keep getting stymied on how to expand it.

I got an idea the other day about shifting to other forms of transportation, and its forms of nostalgia, and I think that might work.

I will show you what I have done, and maybe you can help some more. I do like how you have cranked down the bolts thus far and I may just go with it, or maybe a mix.

Roadwork 09-17-2002 12:52

Gone are the sultry days
where teeny boppers whizzed around
on roller-skates, root beers balanced
on their serving trays, at the A&W drive-in.

Condominiums fill the fields
where we used to bring them,
swallowing popcorn, and soda
in the car, at the drive-in theatre.

Concrete highways, are no more,
their tell tale clickety-clack, that marked off the miles,
are all now the smooth whisper
of asphalt, when I go drivin' down the road.

No more cares, no worries to plague me,
when I board that train, and its whistle blows
a hiss, and surge as it labours down the tracks,
the c’tick, c’tick, c’tick of its wheels, a lullaby.

Taking to the skies as the aeroplane taxies
down the runway, props thrumming, eager for the air
where it will dip and climb, like some mad roller coaster,
drivin’ me wild with anticipation of godhood.

Till I wake, diving through the waters of Lethe,
And step back out into a world of chrome and gizmos,
With cars I can’t fix, towns I don’t recognise, and streets
named all the same; Broadway, Main, Kingsway, et al.

Ignorance is bliss, but perhaps the next town will be different?

Bruce Herbert Fader

Jack, I envy you that. Of the 5 drive in theatres that were around when I was growning up, only one remains, and that one is in Cloverdale, a suburb of Surrey. RLS most likely knows the one I am speaking of.
Maybe Genevieve and Albert could go to it, and get a taste of what BIG screen really means! ;-)

Brucefur

where we used to bring them,
who?
swallowing popcorn, and soda
is chewing a new fad?
drivin’ me wild with anticipation of godhood.

Should it be Godhood?
chrome and gizmos,
I consider chrome retro, how about steel?

I do like it though!
Sargirl

Brucefur:
I liked this attempt more than the first.
I'm glad you tossed the "drive-in"
summary rhyme.

-Might be a bit of a stretch to go from A&W
to the waters of Lethe.
Was your comment at 09-30-02 20:57
meant for me? This is sledge.
I haven't become aquainted with Squire, yet but have seen some
of his/her entries.
Hmmm, is Squire a masculine term only? I don't think it is.

Oh well, I liked this effort. This may have been a good poem to post
where every following entry had to add a quatrain with a
different nostalgic image.

I'll keep looking for your posts and comments.
Sledge
Formerly Stephen II, never been a Squire.

Bruce-

My son is 11 yrs. old. He has never had so much as a SIP of anything carbonated (his choice). I try to convince him A&W @ a drive-in isn't POP (or soda regionally) it's ROOT BEER, that's different!


He's not buyin' it.

Hehehehe Jack, that is too funny, and good for him by the way. I don't think that you should encourage him to drink things that are almost pure sugar, and bad for you in other ways as well, but hey that is just me.
sips his A&W root beer while pondering next comment

Sledge, sorry about that old man; yes, I did in fact get the two of you mixed up in my head. Squire is a male title, and is one of the stages I believe that leads up to the peerage. i.e. Page, Squire, Knight, etc...
A Squire was the young man, training to be a warrior, who cared for his knights armour, weapons, and steed. He would also dress his knight for battle when the time came; plate wasn't something easily donned on your own.

Please feel free to give it another reworking Stephen II. I unfortunately have had better success with other's poems, than in writing my own of late.

Brucefur

Baa! See what happens when i don't comment earlier in the afternoon when i had almost read this but didn't get to it? Well of course you don't lol anyways.Hey wow! amazing! I would have never thought to have seen a poem with the likes of drive in movies,concrete roads to asphalt,drive ins with girls on skates,wow yes it did seem a bit incomplete and all,but i did love the poem cause it was something i like.I may be young but i like music like oldies ya know.I also always wondered what it would be like to go to a drive in movie,also driving one of those nice chevy cars from back then when they where cars and not plastic death traps.We have sonic drive in which is supposed to be America's drive in,but lol they only have them in certain states there is alot around louisiana and other places.I have worked there for a year and a half.My first job not to mention.I loved it we had some that if they wished and chosed to wear skates they would.The pay was not so great but at least it was a job.Yes Sonic does not come close to your average mcdonalds and burger king.They are starting to put drive threws but they still carry the old tradition of pulling up park cut your car off and wait for your food.


Sorry so long

"To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself." Anne Rice