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My violin
Posted by: Michelle Haun (---.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: August 25, 2002 02:30AM

Music,
swiftly, softly, quickly,
keeping a beat,
then the rhythem starts to repeat,
notes flying up and down,
music floating around and around,
Suddenly it falls to a slow steady beat,
Not too fast or too slow a tempo to keep,
Up again it flys,
Stoping at a high quivering note,
finnally the last note begins to float,
Away and away the music dies,
The song has ended then all breaks loose,
Everthing distorted and so unclear,
I put the bow to the string and away goes all fear,
So it goes on and on again till i run out of music,
The song can not end.


Re: My violin
Posted by: cliffordwayneduncan (63.107.255.---)
Date: August 25, 2002 03:14AM

words go on for ever?

cliffordwayneduncan


Re: My violin
Posted by: bobo (---.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: August 25, 2002 04:02AM

Noise

Jesse Pope


I like noise.
The whoop of a boy, the thud of a hoof,
the rattle of rain on a galvanised roof,
The hubbub of traffic, the roar of a train,
The throb of machinery numbing the brain,
The rush of the wind, a door on the slam,
the switching of wires on an overhead tram,
The boom of the thunder, the crash of the waves,
The din of a river that races and raves,
The crack of a rifle, the clank of a pail,
The strident tattoo of a swift slapping sail -
Arises a gamut of soul-stirring joys.
I like noise.




This poem reminds me greatly of the above poem entitled, "Noise" by J. Pope. I think it just needs a little refining here and there... I like the way it races. Its energy! There is a bit too much repitition, and it tries too hard to rhyme here and there. I think the line, "I put the bow to the string and away goes all fear" stresses the rhyme, as does, "note...note...float" in lines ten and eleven. It might serve the piece well to repeat the beginning word at the end, the way "Noise" does--this kind of slows the poem down as it approaches the end. Start slow...go swirling away...then cool down as the end is in site. Excellent poem!

bobo


Re: My violin
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: August 25, 2002 05:23AM

I can almost hear the violin! Well done, but I agree with Bobo, with a little bit of refinement...

It also reminds me of a poem Bobo, but it is one that is right here on this site; Airshow Camping (I think that is the tittle).

Brucefur


Re: My violin
Posted by: silent siren (---.ber.dial.de.colt.net)
Date: August 25, 2002 08:16AM

Get rid of the typos, and you'll be wonderful! I love music as well, hope you appreciate your violin for longer and don't exercise with a sour face...good poem!
hugs
siren


Re: My violin
Posted by: Michelle Haun (---.tampabay.rr.com)
Date: August 25, 2002 10:45AM

thank you for your comments. i was actually thinking when i wrote it that somthing seemed a bit stressed but i couldn't figure it out. When i fix up the loose ends i hope it will be a better poem. thanks.
michelle


Re: My violin
Posted by: Sargirl (24.198.60.---)
Date: August 25, 2002 09:12PM

I like it, loose ends and all!
Sargirl




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