User Submitted Poetry
 Interested in feedback about a piece you've written? 

eMule -> The Poetry Archive -> Forums -> User Submitted Poetry


Goto Thread: PreviousNext
Goto: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Shine
Posted by: jenna lee (---.sympatico.ca)
Date: August 23, 2002 09:56PM

hey all, plz reply! thx!

Moonligh shines upon your face
Your mind is lost at sea
Your twinkling eyes are dancing bright
But they'll never dance for me.

Starlight fills your solomn eyes
I wish you were here to stay
But I see that look upon your face
You're already miles away.

Sunlight shimmers through your hair
You're soaring through skies of blue
You're on a journey to better things
I just long to be with you.

Your light may shine forever
I'm alone, waiting to rust
For your journey is just beggining
I'm left behind in your dust.

j.l


Re: Shine
Posted by: Sargirl (---.maine.rr.com)
Date: August 23, 2002 10:33PM

huh, like lik it, your style is alot like some of mine, but the last stanza is a little bumpy. Hmmm... I cant figure out how to fix it though, you better wait for some of the hard cores to finish sleeping, or watching buffy, or whatever.
sargirl


Re: Shine
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: August 24, 2002 02:04AM

Ah, I have been summoned I see...

Two suggestions then:

1) in the future strive for more complicated rhyme schemes, or ditch it altogether in order to get greater depth. Otherwise you will end up like simple Sargirl here, on the rhyme me or eat me heap ;-) j/k Sargirl (that was for the Buffy comment :-P ).

2) Your light may shine forever
I'm alone, waiting to rust
For your journey is just beggining
me; I get left in your dust.

or something similar.

Brucefur


Re: Shine
Posted by: Sargirl (24.198.60.---)
Date: August 24, 2002 10:25AM

Well,
i'm gald you could help her even if it is to late for me!
Because of this site I missed Farscape anyway!
Sargirl


Re: Shine
Posted by: skye (---.Colorado.EDU)
Date: August 24, 2002 06:01PM

jenna,

i like this quite a bit...especially the lines:

Your twinkling eyes are dancing bright
But they'll never dance for me.

i know what ya mean... smiling smiley

skye


Re: Shine
Posted by: silent siren (---.ber.dial.de.colt.net)
Date: August 25, 2002 02:02PM

Good.

Bruce: rust??
Don't think it fits, let's see...what about trust? must? perhaps even lust?
And, not to end up in the heap of bones on my rock:
disgust? Or a half-rhyme: tossed? Also anything with -ussed ending would fit here...
lol
siren


Re: Shine
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: August 25, 2002 02:35PM

Siren, oh mighty Siren (yay, its Sunday!), tossed is pronounced Taassed (that is the closest to German that I could get, if I have that wrong, forgive me), and not tussed.

Also I only changed the last line; everything else is Jenna's, including the spelling errors.

Brucefur


Re: Shine
Posted by: silent siren (---.ber.dial.de.colt.net)
Date: August 25, 2002 02:38PM

Oh damn, you're so CANADIAN! That sounds very much like North-american accent to me. And our dear Brit doesn't seem to show up here to say something...sigh!
your personal
siren


Re: Shine
Posted by: jenna lee (---.sympatico.ca)
Date: August 25, 2002 07:18PM

thx all for the feedback..i kno my rhyming scemes can get abit boring/repetitive so im gonna try to work on that ! ttyl
jl


Re: Shine
Posted by: Sargirl (24.198.60.---)
Date: August 25, 2002 07:20PM

smiling smiley




Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.
This poetry forum at emule.com powered by Phorum.