User Submitted Poetry
 Interested in feedback about a piece you've written? 

eMule -> The Poetry Archive -> Forums -> User Submitted Poetry


Goto Thread: PreviousNext
Goto: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.194.---)
Date: August 21, 2002 03:27PM

Hey Guys!

Miss me? grinning smiley This piece is nowhere near finished. It's one of the first drafts, and really needs work. I'd like your advice and comments smiling smiley

Thanks!

- Lady of the Night

Untitled

Shall I subject to your powers,
Shall I admit defeat,
Shall I break my pride,
then I shall be giving in to myself,
Losing my own game,
Learning to live with me.

And that is my greatest fear,
that which I cannot face:
the day that I look into the mirror
and give up without fighting.
Give in to the only thing that hurts;
Sink to my knees before the mirror,
Offer up my palms - do what you will.

For what can I do when faced with myself?

Tick...
Tick...
Tick...

Nothing.


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Tommy (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: August 21, 2002 03:40PM

this piece is very interesting and creative but I'm old fashioned and prefer more of a typical style of verse either metered or rhyming because my obsessive compulsive nature I prefer some kind of order to the works I read. despite the loose nature of the framework of the poem it is a remarkable piece of art


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.194.---)
Date: August 21, 2002 03:45PM

Tommy -

Thanks for the reply. So, you would suggest a more structured form, then? Specifics?

- Lady of the Night


Re: Untitled
Posted by: J.H. SUMMERS (---.proxy.aol.com)
Date: August 22, 2002 12:20AM

Lady Of The Night, Welcome back from wherever. I think for now the only change I'd consider is in the first line...replace subject with submit. It seems to maske more sense that way to me. jhs


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.192.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 09:25AM

Thanks much, JH. As far as where I was...everywhere! My computer's COM2 port got fried in a T-storm so that meant I couldn't get online at Dad's house. I'm at Mom's right now on his accnt (shh), but I'm starting school again next Tuesday so I'll have more regular access. But thanks for the welcome smiling smiley

I like the suggestion, and check there, fixed. Thanks much! Any others? I know you just said that's all you could think of, but if you come up with anything else, they're definitely appreciated. smiling smiley

- Lady of the Night


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: August 22, 2002 12:05PM

Lady, perhaps replacing the commas at the ends of the first three lines with question marks and finding a word other than shall in line four.

Brucefur

PS: Miss you always!


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.194.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 12:16PM

I agree about line 4. However, I thought your other point would come up. I didn't mean them as questions, I meant them as saying "If I shall do this, then this will happen." What other word would you suggest for line 4? And what about the rest of the body?

Lady of the Night

PS Miss you too! And omg, download the new version of Y! 5.5 It is SOOOO much fun!!!! Did I already show you all the faces on your offlines??


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Brucefur (---.ok.shawcable.net)
Date: August 22, 2002 01:06PM

If they aren't meant as questions then might I suggest the changing of the word Shall to if? i.e. If I submit to your powers,
shall I admit defeat...nope, still reads like a question to me...I will let wiser heads prevail here.

I will think on it some more and possibly get back to you on it.

Brucefur

PS: read all of your off-lines, but won't switch as it reduces my letter storage by 2 MBs; which I will definitely need come summer. Also I should let you know I will be phasing out my MSN, I am just too annoyed with them.


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.193.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 03:46PM

Hmm....puzzlements. What does everyone else think of Bruce's suggestions?

Lady of the Night

p.s. Lol, you read all those? Aren't they great??? As far as MSN..I haven't been on there in ages. The people that I can talk to now are on AIM, so...yeah.


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Thom (---.188.248.154.euc.wi.charter.com)
Date: August 22, 2002 04:31PM

Lady,
I read the first three lines as… more rhetorical questions. Wait, that isn’t really accurate, more of just things one is weighing out in their mind. Yet, I see where Bruce is coming from, many might read them as questions. Personally I think that switching to if rather than shall, should clear this up. It still would read like a question, but when you reach line four with ‘then…’ I think it will become clear as an action-reaction form. Also, then I see no need to change shall in L4. Hope this all makes sense, am desperately awaiting my friends arrival so we can go eat (can’t think too well starving). Woo-Hoo doorbell! Lunch time, sorry smiling smiley like this so far, will comment more later.
Best of luck on this one,
-Thom


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.193.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 04:54PM

Thom,

Thanks much, and yes, it made sense smiling smiley I'll definitely keep it in mind. Thanks for your time, and bon appetite!

La Femme du Soir

P.S. French is growing boring...somebody teach me Filippino!!! Hard stuff, though. Especially since it's not a romance language.....


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.193.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 09:54PM

Hey, we should be glad engish is our first language! It's confusing!
Sargirl


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (66.231.194.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 09:55PM

That's true, but still..English is pretty boring, too! Well, maybe not, but...I'm a be stubborn pouts

Lady


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.193.---)
Date: August 22, 2002 09:58PM

Have you seen all the exeptions, the language is worse than...ok I can't think of anything. It is just hard to learn.
Sargirl


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lizzy (---.okld03.pacbell.net)
Date: August 22, 2002 11:37PM

Ya know, I wouldve agreed with you, Sarah, but all the germans ive talked to said that English was easy to learn, soooo, I dunno. Im glad Im learning Spanish, because aside from the whole twelve tenses thing, its a snap!
Lizz


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.193.---)
Date: August 23, 2002 10:07AM

yea, I like spanish too! The spelling is a lot easyer than english.
Sargirl


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:17PM

Spanish is easier to spell than English?!?!?!?!?! What are you, crazy?? J/k, don't speak Spanish. Je parle un peut francais, n'espangol!

And how come nobody's paying attention to this anymore? It could still use some work, guys...!

Lady of the Night


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.207.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:25PM

I suck at french. Took it for years...


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:30PM

French is great!

Lady of the Night


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.207.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:35PM

I cant spell it


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:53PM

Francais est tres facile, n'est-ce pas?

(psst...say "oui"!)

Lady of the Night


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.207.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 03:55PM

I can read it silly!


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 04:17PM

tongue sticking out smiley


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Sargirl (24.194.207.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 04:18PM

tongue sticking out smiley


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Quiet Dreamer (198.81.16.---)
Date: September 11, 2002 04:50PM

Lady of the Night! Where are you?

~QD~


Re: Untitled
Posted by: Lady of the Night (209.222.212.---)
Date: September 12, 2002 07:49AM

Right now? In the little hidden room of the library of Dirigo High School. Why do you ask? tongue sticking out smiley

Lady of the Night




Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.
This poetry forum at emule.com powered by Phorum.