Completely stressed I guess I was living life less and less.
Life has now given me my test.
And now I have finally realized that my life is so incomplete.
And we all live our lives like we have to compete.
I can see now, I can see clearly.
I feel sorrow for the days I wasted dearly.
We all need to face what is in front of us.
There is a reason why we need to see is because...
Tommorrow might not come.


Techno Grl509

Hi....the first line makes my head hurt. That is a bad sign in a poem.
I also have some issues with your grasp on the english language:

"There is a reason why we need to see is because..."

Perhaps, if you were attempting to write a song; you might have something here.

I think the most important thing in a poem is imagery. I want to see pictures as I am reading - I want to see you in the poem. This poem lacks imagery.

Finally, there is no rhythm to this poem.

I could say more, but I won't. I'm sorry to be so harsh, hopefully you will take it as it is intended - as constructive criticism.

Before one can even ATTEMPT to write poetry, it is necessary to read and read and read a lot of poetry.

Thanks.

Completely stressed I guess I was living life less and less.
Life has now given me my test.
And now I have finally realized that my life is so incomplete.
And we all live our lives like we have to compete.
I can see now, I can see clearly.
I feel sorrow for the days I wasted dearly.
We all need to face what is in front of us.
There is a reason why we need to see is because...
Tommorrow might not come.



While I think this does need imagery, I think it more important that the words making it a paragraph instead of a poem need to be taken out... like "guess" and the second "less" and "now...finally realized".Also: How incomplete is "so"? "Compete" like what?

Take out the passive tense, like "Life has now given me a test" change to something more active, like: Now Life gives a test.

I really like the "I can see now, I can see clearly." That is active and strong.

I think you do need to read more poetry...there really isn't any substitute for that... I would start with "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot. I think you could relate to that one! Especially,

"For I have known them all already, known them all--
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;"

I hope this helps you... I think your poem is interesting. The sentiment certainly is a common denominator for many people...I know I empathize!

bobo

I love this poem! I think the beat is great, I like images, but I think this poem is more about sounds than correct grammar and good imagery, am I right? I hope so, because for that, it's really good!
Lizz

Jay, you are right in some ways, but your gonna make her cry!!
Liz, can you guess who wrote this?
Sargirl

guess who wrote what? Im all confuuuuused! Heeeelp me!
Lizz

Poetry is not about good grammar. It's about creating a picture.
It is a medium to share experiences with those who did not experience them.

Jay

Thank you all for the criticism, I know you mean well. I know you are trying to give me advise.
Lizzy its me Suzie. TechnoGrl509

Yes, I mean well.

Ohhhhh! And I gave you positive comments without even knowing it was you! See, I really do like it, especially the first line.
Jay:
I think that different forms of poetry serve different purposes. Sometimes it creates a great poem if you just play with the sounds of the language. Im really big on both, and I think its ultimately best to combine the two, but for the time being I'm fine with one or the other, and I love the way this poem sounds. Forget images for just a second.

Lizz

Alright, I just read this poem again and I have a few more things to say. It's not only playing with the sounds, but also has an idea behind it. Not an image, but a concept. Also, how about if I tweak a little. To appease Jay, how about :"There is a reason why we need to see, it's because..." It's still not proper grammar, but we already established that that doesnt matter. and how about "sorrow for the days I wasted so dearly". Not sure why that so in there, I just think it reads better.
Lizz

i can see what jay and everyone's saying, but there's a beat there that they don't seem to appreciate. their comments seem to aim towards turning it into something it isn't. i have a friend who lives in michigan and works at a teen center. they have a record lable and he gave me one of their cd's and there's alot of stuff like yours on it, all spoken, sometimes to music or a beat. ever consider trying that? you might be good at it.

~J

Techno,Read your poem several times and finally feel ready to give you my thoughts. Let me guess, you are young and you've been writing for a short while. Instead of telling you what's wrong with the poem let me tell you what's right with it. You show a good range of emotion in your writing and you have interesting things to say about the world as you have experienced it. These are evident to me. Some people think poetry is all about imagery, and that it should paint a picture. You have imagery in your poem if one looks for it, but don't get hung up on it because not all poetry is that way. Some is conceptual and carries little imagery, it is designed to make the reader think. Continue to write, read the advice, use what you can and lose the rest. Stay away from the trap of making your poem fit into someone elses mold, find your own style and form. Keep reading and writing. The last line was great. Finally, not one line of the poem made my head hurt. Cheers, jhs

hear hear
Lizz

i totally agree with summers, although i didn't say it quite as well...but deffinately keep posting.

~J