eMule -> The Poetry Archive -> Forums -> User Submitted Poetry
You know how it is when you read something, and think you've read one word when in fact you've read another?
So it was when debutant posted his bit-like-a-haiku-but-not-quite under the topic thread "Loss .. comments please". His final version read
Dust on mantelpiece
Recent, undisturbed, unattended
Now covers your mistresss
OK, I thought, dusty mattresses, damn nuisance, bit of hoovering, be all right. Then I did my classic mental double-take, and realised my mistake ...
Couldn't sleep. Here's the result of my debutant-induced insomnia. Serves you all right.
**********************************************************
The Man Who Mistook His Mistress For A Mattress
I came home drunk last night, I will admit.
I’d had an evening out with Jack, my mate.
His influence on me grows worse of late.
It’s 2 a.m. I thought, I’m in the @!#$.
My mistress says that she can understand
That chaps do like an evening down the pub,
A pint or two or eight and then some grub
While grooving to some “loud and awful band”.
Her words not mine: she does not like my taste
In music, nor me hers, if truth be told.
That opera of hers just leaves me cold.
It takes too long to listen to, a waste
Of time. Led Zep I like. So she will say
As long as I don’t play it in the house
She’ll live with me and be my loving spouse,
Or nearly. I expect we’ll wed one day.
We might as well, ‘cause when it comes to sex
It’s poetry. And that’s another thing
We share. Surprised? I am. When muses sing
To me, they sing to her. Me and my ex
Liked music both the same, but didn’t click
On poems. She thought that I was really weird
To spend my time and money on it; feared
To fly. So her and me, we didn’t stick.
I went to readings. Milton Keats and Donne.
And Plath. And cummings. That was where we met.
We both laughed at the rude ones, and we set
Ourselves a challenge. We both lost and won.
Five minutes in, and over went the leg.
Insatiable, we couldn’t get enough:
And as for all that, well, that oral stuff
She volunteered. I didn’t have to beg.
Where was I? Oh, last night. Well I was drunk
And late, again, and scared of what she’d say;
Remembered, the new mattress came today.
Bought because I have so often slunk
Into the little bedroom at the back
To sleep it off. Why is it always me
That drinks too much? Why is it rarely her?
Do operatic concert evenings lack
The opportunity to binge on booze?
I doubt it. But she acts so self controlled
And sensible. She makes me feel quite old
And stupid. I have such a lot to lose.
I climbed the stairs. I knew that she’d been out
To see some awful thing called Turandot -
That eyetie prat Puccini’s got a lot
To answer for. She’d gone with that old trout
Jeanette. That girl is even worse than me.
She likes a drink. She lives life in a fog
Of whisky fumes. Has six cats and a dog.
Yeah, she and mistress mine can sometimes be
As paralytic as your average stiff.
Puccini did the trick, it seems, and thus
My mistress left the car, and took the bus.
I tend to think they’d also shared a spliff.
I climbed the stairs. Now how could I have guessed
That she had thought that I’d be fast asleep?
And, being late, decided she should creep
Onto the mattress (new) and get some rest?
I climbed the stairs. And something, something snapped
Inside my head. A rebel’s poem I’d sing!
New mattress? Cummings! Estlin! In just-spring!
I’ll squeal said HE! This Olaf won’t be trapped!
C’est moi! Geronimo! Ahoy there! Pissed,
I launched myself into the air. I missed
My footing. With a scream, a mid-air twist
I hit the mattress-mistress. Broke her wrist.
I spend my time now reading Gerard Manley Hopkins, good poet,
bit of a puff some say, but poets well you’re either against ‘em or you’re
with ‘em
I sometimes think that only good old Gerry, and my mistress, and me,
and all the crazy buggers who contribute to the poetry archive, have heard of sprung rhythm.
Stephen Fryer
Stephen
Stephen, Very amusing, you really tell a good story. jhs
ROFLMAO - This is really funny stuff Stephen, I'll bet you got as big a laugh writing it as I did reading. Mine isn't nearly as clever as yours, but didn't you know I'd have to return the favor? JP
I'm unsurprised, and glad to say
Touche.
Stephen
Riiiiight....
I must admit I skipped most of this due to lack of time, but I enjoyed the message, lol. And I'm out, y'all.
One Love,
Lady of the Night
Stephen-you are a pretty funny guy! A very good tale! lgreen 
lol...good funny tale has all the ingredients in a good yarn..booze, sex and violence.
tee hee hee... liked it, Stephen! Funny story, and I also enjoyed the title- good use of similar words.
Sarah
WHO DARES TO SAY A WORD AGAINST OPERA?!?!
silent siren
grin
This is funny Stephen, way before my time. Hence no prior comment.
Les
This joke came in my email today. Seemed appropriate.
Drunk
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married’!”
pam
That's a good one Pam, thanks for sharing it!
Les
Both are good.
Terry
I thought I'd seen this title before! How many forevers ago? Lol, still a good one. Good joke too, Pam. I'd probably have done the same as his wife
Lady of the Night
Heh i was about to run off to the closet and i seen this heading.....Lol anyways i read it and liked it. Thank you.
Ya know, I still love this poem. It's in your anthology, Stephen, and I just had to read it again and tell you that I still find it hilarious and it will never get old 
I especially love his little rebel's poem. "C'est moi! Geronimo! Ahoy there!" LOL, it's great! It sounds like so much fun to cry out like that as you're flying through the air!
Lady of the Night
I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.
Why thank you, ma'am. I reused this in a poetry slam last year and came second. Someone has to, n'est-ce pas?
Stephen
For anyone who has not read JP's sequel to this, go here:
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Les
Stephen-
I read this years ago and loved it. I can't believe I never commented!
Truly a classic. A rare find.
Jack
Stephen,
Thank YOU for calling me ma'am! Very respectful, I appreciate it.
Thanks Les, didn't know she wrote a sequel.
Lady of the Night
I never conquered, rarely came, sixteen just held such better days.
One of the first poems I read on this forum...and still one of my favorites.
Joe