User Submitted Poetry
 Interested in feedback about a piece you've written? 

eMule -> The Poetry Archive -> Forums -> User Submitted Poetry


Goto Thread: PreviousNext
Goto: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Martyr
Posted by: UPMarty (71.86.181.---)
Date: December 16, 2008 06:10AM

If the shirt off my back was given to you
Would you take it and run with a smile,
Leaving me naked in everyone's view
Would you wear it in health & good style?

If I were to love you with all of my heart
Would you take it and use it for life,
Leaving me empty and lonely in love
Like the cobbler, no shoes for his wife?

If travel by land and by sea I would go
Would you stay once I found you at last,
Or would blistered soles and wobbly legs
Be something you couldn't get past?

If I were to give myself half of the love
That I thought was supposed to be yours
I'd walk fully clothed, fully loved in the sun
On dunes in the sands on the shores.


Re: Martyr
Posted by: hpesoj (69.116.241.---)
Date: December 16, 2008 07:22AM

Mary:

Well done! A consistent rhyming pattern and almost perfect meter make this very enjoyable. The questions you ask in each verse are pointed and should leave the person being asked at least a little uncomfortable, I should think.

Oh, as to the meter; the beat in the third line, third verse is off somewhat. Until I placed the emphasis on "would" and added a syllable to "wobbly" (wob-uh-ly) I found it a bit awkward to read. Now, before others jump in and chastise me as some kind of ogre for daring to offer constructive criticism, let me repeat, "Well done!" - the slight deviation in meter notwithstanding.

Merry Christmas!

Joe

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/16/2008 11:03AM by hpesoj.


Re: Martyr
Posted by: Merc (75.210.30.---)
Date: December 16, 2008 11:16AM

I'm gonna echo Jose... very well done.

Have a wonderful holiday season, a marvy Christmas, a joyful and tax free new year.


Re: Martyr
Posted by: les712 (68.185.69.---)
Date: December 16, 2008 03:38PM

Mary, I really like the sentiment you express here. This looks like it took some time in construction, but it's really well crafted. Good job on this one!


Les


Re: Martyr
Posted by: UPMarty (71.86.181.---)
Date: December 16, 2008 08:23PM

Thanks Joe. I didn't have a problem with the meter in the line you mention, but rather the word choices. If I had given it a little more time, I probably could have come up with some better ones. Appreciate the comments and critique. Merry Christmas to you and yours too!

Thanks, Terry. Tax free would be awesome, but the chance of that is zero to none. Happy Holidays.

Les,
Glad you like it. I had been spending quite a bit of time trying to write a couple other poems that weren't coming together, but then this one followed pretty readily. Thanks and Merry Christmas.

Mary




Sorry, only registered users may post in this forum.
This poetry forum at emule.com powered by Phorum.