Now this one proves my point:
to float through sadness, unimpeded,
is man’s ugliest triumph.
Fear not, we are checking in,
not checking up.
Look, my brother,
for the tremble in the fist.
This man is spoiling
for a fight,
fever-dreaming of a better cage.

You may see only a skin of water,
a vessel of tissue, dreams and fluids
animated by mere electrical charge.
Prepare yourself, for he is a trough
whose fugitive current may not be contained,
only diverted, smarter and faster.

They have shuffled languidly
through this life of promise,
abandoning not once
the utter hopelessness of the truly weak.
But this man, wielding only a small quill,
is a cyclone of cloaked ideas,
furrowing adjectives
through their tense sentences and stilted speech.
Lines so narrow and sharp,
lacerating their thin-skinned beliefs, brother.

Blessed, I’m talking,
talking out of turn.
Sleep now, 113827, sleep well,
for tomorrow is a crushing blow,
and we are curious by nature.
Relentless courage will not be enough.
We will see what you are made of.


17 April 2005

This sounds like a challenge Bob, but there's not enough background to give 113827 a point of reference in your poem. Is it a futurama, or a space odyssey, or what? Still an interesting read, though.

Les

I liked it !

Reads to me of a man, convict, on death row. It's an intriguing read, Bob, it feels heavy. I very much like this piece. Gwyd

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. (Aristotle)

Les, A-Leenos & Gwydion: thanks for taking the time to read this one. It is rougher than what I normally post, but since I haven't posted anything in quite awhile, I figured I'd better get it out there and keep working on it. I do want feedback, because although I finally figured out where I want it to go, it's not quite there yet.

The subject in the poem, 113827, is under "observation" by the narrator (and at least one other). This I left deliberately vague: whether 113827 is the human race and the narrator is God, or something not so lofty, should be left to the reader. But I decided the direction should be a commentary (as an aside to the reader) on the nature of the subject (113827). An uphill battle never won but never surrendered, a sad journey in which the hero never wavers, a lifetime of adversity handled with determination and spirit - this is the sort of commitment and passion that the narrator detects in the subject.

Any feedback is appreciated.

- Bob

Bob the problem I see with your intentional vagueness is that the reader doesn't feel empathy for the person being observed. It leaves him (the reader) kind of cold, and not able to fully empathize with the oppressed one.

A description of the "cause" of the oppression must be included if we are to feel any kind of emotion here. At least that's my take on the first couple of readings.


Les

Wanna know how messed up I am? My mind went straight to the psych ward with this one.

Great poem if you can make me think Bob!

"Loving people is like farting in the wind; You don't actually accomplish anything, but you feel better."

~The Great and Powerful Angelia~

The entire piece oozes emotion. From the trembling fist to the description of inner human to the man with the small quill...so, so much emotion.

In my first reply I used the word convict, prisoner is much better suited here. A prisoner of self on death row (and no! it's not because of your use of fugitive) the subject's numbers lend to the feel; is that my number in the world? To me there is a lot of depth in this piece; I'll be interested to see any revisions, Bob. Gwyd

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. (Aristotle)

To me it sounds as if we are being watched and appraised. I think if I were the watcher, I would be truly disgusted, but there is always the spark of hope, the one out of many, a Jesus, a Pope, a leader............

Thought provoking to say the least.
Enjoyed Bob.

JP

Bob 113827, you are my prisoner; you shall not escape!

Good to see you back here.

I did feel emppathetic and symathetic toward the subject. At first I thouhgt it might the number of a poem on the forum and thought of looking it up. I will as soon as I comment. I love your poem Bob. It touches deep with every line!

I love these lines:


to float through sadness, unimpeded,
is man’s ugliest triumph.
....
You may see only a skin of water,
a vessel of tissue, dreams and fluids
animated by mere electrical charge.

Bob, maybe the lack of feeling I have is toward the narrator, rather than the subject. But I'm sure you meant for the observer to be a nameless, faceless, persecutor.


Les

Well to me the narrator seems cold and the subject pitiful.
I think the narrator seems to dehumanise the subject by these cold lines.

You may see only a skin of water,
a vessel of tissue, dreams and fluids
animated by mere electrical charge.

I like it.

Les: I agree with you. I think the thing is that I've chosen the observer, who is detached and analytical, as the narrator, describing the subject in a detached and analytical way. What I had in mind is that the narrator is observing this subject, a writer (with quill), and remarking that he is different than the rest of the subjects, that he has risen above the rest through his ability to cope and survive via the written word. Although there will be hard times to come, he looks up to the challenge. And yes, I wanted the narrator to be a shadowy figure, one who could stand in for any figure of authority or power.

Keeper: Psych ward, eh? I always feel like I've done something if readers from different opinions, and I like the fact that with this poem, there are no wrong answers.

Gwydion: Thank you for your compliment. I don't think I've written another poem that has gotten such varied reception as this one. I can't tell whether or not I should change anything.

JP: Aren't we all being watched, at least by somebody? From birth until death? I've often wondered how I'm doing, or at least how THEY think I'm doing.

Bruce: I need to find time to chat with you about this one, I feel like that would be quite useful.

K.Q.: Thanks for your feedback. No, it's not the number of a poem, but now I'm curious as to which poem has that number.

Debutant: I don't see the subject as pitiful, rather determined and resourceful, especially in comparison to the "others," the "truly weak." But notice that after the lines you quoted, the narrator says, "Prepare yourself, for he is a trough." Do not underestimate him, as he has shown deep strength. The narrator is pointing out, to his colleague, how the subject is not as he may appear.

Great feedback, all. Now I need to figure out what to work on.

Bob, the more I read this the more I like the last section. It makes more sense to me now than it did at first reading.


Les

Bob,

Thought provoking poem, reminded me of Big Brother watching over us, or maybe Logan's Run.

john

Much the tone of 'The Unknown Citizen' here -- consistent and with the authority of detatchment. Very strorng at the end, but firm throughout. Too familiar, perhaps, but a work of high craft nontheless.


"a good read," as the kiddies say

Peter

as the kiddies say

Peter, the kiddies usually throw in a few expletives for emphasis. It's the oldsters who say: "Good read."

Les

Emphasis? I thought they threw them in as a gratuity !

"But this man, wielding only a small quill,
is a cyclone of cloaked ideas,
furrowing adjectives
through their tense sentences and stilted speech.
Lines so narrow and sharp,
lacerating their thin-skinned beliefs, brother."

Strong Writing!

Coin
"Try your wings"

JHS, thanks for reading it. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you meant the book, and not the show.

Peter, your comments always ring honestly, and I appreciate that.

Coin, thanks for your kind words. It's so hard to tell whether any of the lines or ideas will jump up when it's time.

- Bob

Thanks for the links, Bob.

Les