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Tell me what you think please!
Posted by: katelyn (---.247.107.78.gha.mi.chartermi.net)
Date: May 05, 2004 05:06PM

This is a poem I wrote for my high school graduation, I would like some feedback in order to make it the best it can be...
Thank you for any and all input!!

The path winds down ahead of me
I can see the ending now, the moment where the path becomes the sky
“I’m ready to be done”, I tell myself as I begin to run- alone

So many before me had walked this path
But no one could have prepared me for this kind of journey

It all began not long ago
I started slowly because I did not know my way
I used my map, my compass, but I quickly learned that material objects can only get you so far
So I learned to use my head, my heart, my eyes, and my ears

Some days I ran, for the path was smooth and straight, and it was easy, there was laughter all around me
Some days I didn’t move at all, stalled only by my own doubt and the tears that crowded my eyes
Some days the trail was not clearly marked, more days that way than not
I’m proud to say, those days I forged my own path

There were times where the path was so busy I had to elbow my way through the crowd just to be able to breath
There were sleepless nights where I tried to make up for lost time

I just kept walked toward the place where the path became the sky

There were days where I fell
Then you were there…
I’d forgotten you were walking as well

There were forks in the path, and I choose a way for me go we went our separate ways
Only to meet here at the end

There are those who began that did not finish
There are those that finishing would have been impossible without
There are those who pushed and pulled to bring us to this place
It is for them, that we proudly stand at the end today

I stand here, tired, looking backwards, only now to realize I love this old path
Leaving somehow becomes bittersweet….
I look at you all here at the end with me, thinking about how each of your journeys must have been

I know that though we all walked it differently
We all walked this path…and we finished it together
And know, The path will never be the same because our footprints are eternally placed in it’s dirt

The path winds down ahead of us
We are at the ending now, the place where our path becomes the sky
“We’re done”, you whisper to me
“No,” I say… “My journey has only now begun.”


Re: Tell me what you think please!
Posted by: lg (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: May 05, 2004 09:19PM

Well, Katelyn, I'm not big on "prose" poetry. But as a graduation speech I think it will be fine. Even written, it's good for the occasion.

Les



Post Edited (05-08-04 14:19)


Re: Tell me what you think please!
Posted by: Johnny SansCulo (---.nycmny83.covad.net)
Date: May 06, 2004 09:56AM

My opinion is that it's from the heart, and therefore fine as is !


Re: Tell me what you think please!
Posted by: Marian-NYC (---.nyc1.dsl.speakeasy.net)
Date: May 06, 2004 11:21AM


I had the same feeling -- it's sincere, it's perfect.

There are just a couple of places where you've chosen poetic-sounding words, and they stand out because they don't sound like YOU.


"as I begin to run" -- In real life, you would say "as I start to run." And "start" is actually the right word. Here's a way to remember whether to use start or begin:

* The race BEGINS when the athletes START running.
We START to work when the day BEGINS, and STOP when it ENDS.*

"My journey has only now begun." I'd prefer it if you ended with a statement I could imagine YOU saying.


Re: Tell me what you think please!
Posted by: russ (---.olypen.com)
Date: May 08, 2004 12:43PM

Marian has it just right. Though I might have made the same mistake. Just stand up there and let her rip! I think the applause will blow you off the stage.




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