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Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Jeanete (---.eb23-galopim.rcts.pt)
Date: October 24, 2003 10:49AM

How about posting some poems that make you roll on the graund.


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 24, 2003 12:11PM

Here's one to start the ground rolling:

More About People
Ogden Nash

When people aren't asking questions
They're making suggestions
And when they're not doing one of those
They're either looking over your shoulder or stepping on your toes
And then as if that weren't enough to annoy you
They employ you.
Anybody at leisure
Incurs everybody's displeasure.
It seems to be very irking
To people at work to see other people not
working,
So they tell you that work is wonderful medicine,
Just look at Firestone and Ford and Edison,
And they lecture you till they're out of breath or
something
And then if you don't succumb they starve you to
death or something.
All of which results in a nasty quirk:
That if you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Talia (216.117.98.---)
Date: October 24, 2003 12:11PM

Introduction

Generations of people have wondered why Mona Lisa smiles the way she does.

Well, wonder no longer......



Mona Lisa
Leonarda he teasa
The young Mona Lisa
"Why you smila like so?
"This is odd way of smiling
"And is very beguiling,
"You gotta dark secret, I know."

Mona she place a
Hand to her face a,
And she make a shy reply:
"Papa, I thmila like thith
"Becauth I gotta no tith."
Then she break a down and cry.

Now Papa de Vinci
Say: "Shush shush my Chichi,
"I tell you for what I do,
"I painta your picture,
"A beauuuutiful picture,
"And we hang it in the Louvre."


Copyright; Laurie Meintjes


Haiku




A mourning dove feeds
In a marijuana bush
And sings a high coo.



Copyright; Tad Lawson
Email: tagady@aol.com

A Poem For Those Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.


Copyright; Author Unknown


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: JP (---.tnt1.rochelle.il.da.uu.net)
Date: October 24, 2003 12:52PM

How weird is this?


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 24, 2003 03:15PM

JP, what is weird? The poems, topic, or the spelling of "weird"?


Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 24, 2003 03:16PM

Here's one by Lewis Carroll:

You Are Old Father William
by Lewis Carroll

"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And you have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling a box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you mange to do it?"

"In my youth," said his fater, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as every;
Yet you balanced an eel on the tend of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?

Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs.


Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 24, 2003 03:25PM

Bob Dylan was right: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

"Weather"
by Ambrose Bierce

Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see,
And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be--
Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth,
With a record of unreason seldome paralleled on earth.
While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth,
From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote
On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote--
For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow:
"Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow."

Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Pam Adams (134.71.192.---)
Date: October 24, 2003 03:56PM

Just be careful.

The Height of the Ridiculous

I WROTE some lines once on a time
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.

They were so queer, so very queer,
I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.

I called my servant, and he came;
How kind it was of him
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!

"These to the printer," I exclaimed,
And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
"There'll be the devil to pay."

He took the paper, and I watched,
And saw him peep within;
At the first line he read, his face
Was all upon the grin.

He read the next; the grin grew broad,
And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third; a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.

The fourth; he broke into a roar;
The fifth; his waist band split;
The sixth; He burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.

Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye
I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

Oliver Wendell Holmes


pam


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: joseph torelli (---.dyn.optonline.net)
Date: October 24, 2003 04:34PM

Here's two more by Ogden Nash. They may not be uproariously funny, but they are clever and should bring a smile at the least:

The Turtle

The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

The Sea-Gull

Hark to the whimper of the sea-gull;
He weeps because he's not an ea-gull.
Suppose you were, you silly sea-gull,
Could you explain it to your she-gull?


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: JP (---.tnt1.rochelle.il.da.uu.net)
Date: October 24, 2003 05:00PM

Les,
The fact that I started 'Poems that make you cry'
and Jeanete 'Poems that make you laugh'
J in JP stands for Jeanette.

Here's one I like,

Calico Cat's by e.e. cummings cat.

Calico Cat's
declawed
who used to
rip the silkysoft Persian
carpet
and shred onetwothreefourfive chipmunksjustlikethat
Jesus
there was a handsome puss
and what I want to know is
how would you like your nails pulled out
Mister Vet


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 24, 2003 09:29PM

That is weird JP! Here's one to take your mind off that.

Grin
by Robert W. Service

If you're up against a brusier and you're getting knocked about --
Grin.

If you're feeling pretty groggy, and you're licked beyond a doubt --
Grin.

Don't let him see you're funking, let him know with every clout,
Though your face is battered to a pup, your blooming heart is stout;
Just stand upon your pins until the beggar knocks you out --
And grin.

This life's a bally battle, and the same advice holds true
Of grin.

If you're up against it badly, then it's only one on you,
So grin.

If the future's black as thunder, don't let people see you're blue;
Just cultivate a cast-ron smile of joy the whole day through;
If they call you"Little Sunshine," wish that they'd no troubles too --
You may -- grin.

Rise up in the morning with the will that, smooth or rough,
You'll grin.

Sink to sleep at midnight, and although you're feeling tough,
Yet grin.

There's nothing gained by whining, and you're not that kind of stuff;
You're a fighter from way back, and you won't take a rebuff;
Your trouble is that you don't know when you have had enough --
Don't give in.

If Fate should down you, just get and take another cuff;
You bank on it that there is no philosophy like bluff,
And grin.

Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Jeanete (---.eb23-galopim.rcts.pt)
Date: October 27, 2003 12:00PM

You want to know how weird it is? how weird would it be if i told you that my last name also starts with a P. I'm also a JP.


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: JP (---.tnt1.rochelle.il.da.uu.net)
Date: October 27, 2003 01:49PM

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Spooky!

Hi JP

JP


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: appgrrl (---.student.appstate.edu)
Date: October 27, 2003 03:17PM

The Purple Cow
(Reflections on a Mythic Beast Who's Quite Remarkable, at Least.)

I never saw a Purple Cow;
I never hope to See One;
But I can Tell you, Anyhow,
I'd rather See than Be One.


The Purple Cow: Suite
(CONFESSION: and a Portrait, Too,
Upon a Background that I Rue!)

Ah, Yes! I Wrote the "Purple Cow" --
I'm Sorry, now, I Wrote it!
But I can Tell you Anyhow,
I'll Kill you if you Quote it!


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: JP (---.tnt1.rochelle.il.da.uu.net)
Date: October 27, 2003 03:33PM





Post Edited (10-27-03 14:34)


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 27, 2003 04:00PM

That's quite a good example of blank verse, JP.


Here's another one by Gelette Burgess who wrote the two ditties about the lavender bovine:

A Woman's Reason
by Gelett Burgess

I'm Sure every Word that you say is Absurd;
I Say it's All Gummidge and Twaddle;
You may Argue away till the 19th of May,
But I don't like the Sound of the Moddle!

Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Hugh Clary (---.denver-02rh15rt.co.dial-access.att.net)
Date: October 28, 2003 02:44PM


Sound of the Moddle?

All I heard was a whoosh!


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Marian-NYC (---.nyc1.dsl.speakeasy.net)
Date: October 28, 2003 03:14PM


Marian: Can you BELIEVE there are two JPs on the forum?--Marian


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Pam Adams (134.71.192.---)
Date: October 28, 2003 09:59PM

There are 8 'Pamela's' in faculty or staff on my campus.

pam


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: marian2 (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: October 29, 2003 04:45AM

Using the same reliable statistical extrapolation techniques that predicted, in the early 1900s that by 1929 London streets would be 2 ft deep in horse manure (or something like that) I predict that in 10 years time, everyone posting on e-mule will have the same initials!


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: -Les- (---.trlck.ca.charter.com)
Date: October 29, 2003 02:25PM

L. Green and I already do. So you may be correct, especially if Esperanto is adopted as our native tongue.

Les


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: marian2 (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: October 30, 2003 04:13AM

going back to the question - the one that made everybody from 4 years old upwards roll around was this (you have to really emphasize the words in capitals to get the effect). I've never read it to a child who didn't laugh (but then I tend to have that effect on them, anyway, could be the asses ears!)

The Akond of Swat

WHO or why, or which, or what,
Is the Akond of SWAT?

Is he tall or short, or dark or fair?
Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or chair,
or SQUAT,
The Akond of Swat?

Is he wise or foolish, young or old?
Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold,
or HOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk,
And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk,
or TROT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat?
Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat,
or a COT,
The Akond of Swat?

When he writes a copy in round-hand size,
Does he cross his T's and finish his I's
with a DOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Can he write a letter concisely clear
Without a speck or a smudge or smear
or BLOT,
The Akond of Swat!

Do his people like him extremely well?
Or do they, whenever they can, rebel,
or PLOT,
At the Akond of Swat?

If he catches them then, either old or young,
Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung,
or SHOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Do his people prig in the lanes or park?
Or even at times, when days are dark,
GAROTTE?
O the Akond of Swat!

Does he study the wants of his own dominion?
Or doesn't he care for public opinion
a JOT,
The Akond of Swat?

To amuse his mind do his people show him
Pictures, or any one's last new poem,
or WHAT,
For the Akond of Swat?

At night if he suddenly screams and wakes,
Do they bring him only a few small cakes,
or a LOT,
For the Akond of Swat?

Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe?
Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe,
or a DOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Do he like to lie on his back in a boat
Like the lady who lived in that isle remote,
SHALLOTT,
The Akond of Swat?

Is he quiet, or always making a fuss?
Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or a Russ,
or a SCOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he like to sit by the calm blue wave?
Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave,
or a GROTT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he drink small beer from a silver jug?
Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug?
or a POT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe,
When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe,
or ROT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends,
And tie it neat in a bow with ends,
or a KNOT,
The Akond of Swat?

Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies?
When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes
or NOT,
The Akond of Swat.

Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake?
Does he sail about on an inland lake,
in a YACHT,
The Akond of Swat?

Some one, or nobody, knows, I wot,
Who or which or why or what
Is the Akond of Swat!

Edward Lear


Re: Poems that make you laugh
Posted by: Hernandez (---.in-addr.btopenworld.com)
Date: October 30, 2003 12:52PM

I don't know who this tragicomic haiku is by. Possibly my old Eng Lit teacher (Miss Pinchbeck) wrote it herself.

the snail sings loudly
feelers telegraph meaning
a bird weeps then dines




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