Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute... Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them. Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh? Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate. Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida. Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them. Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command. Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them. Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them. Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons. Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days. Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well. Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns. Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them. Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do. Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them. Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy. Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down. Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
Emule for dummies: it's about poetry. Besides, I already read that one.
I'm from Texas. What kind of guns? It's important.
by Berton Braley (December 30, 2002)
[www.CapitalismMagazine.com] "I do my work". He who in faith can say
That simple phrase, is set upon the way
To bend the will of Fortune to his will.
The world makes place for him whose strength and skill
Rebel at doubt and rankle at delay.
The visions that hold true, the dreams that stay
Are wrought by those who labor, come what may.
Their slogan--be their fortune good or ill--
"I do my work".
Kingdoms may fall and empires lose their sway,
But on their wreck and out of their decay
The toiler shall erect new wonders still,
Urged by an impulse time nor fate can kill,
With this his only vaunt from day to day--
"I do my work".
Sheesh, Hugh! A little harsh don't you think?
CAPITALIST POEM #36
We've got this cheese down here to give away
tens of thousands of pounds of cheese.
We're trying to establish procedures and specifications,
rules to discourage speculation and hoarding,
guidelines to foster the proper use of this
extraordinary resource. What we need is a system.
I mean it. Not one damn piece of cheese
leaves here until we get this figured out.
The New American Poets
edited by Michael Collier
Bread Loaf Writers' Conference and Middlebury College Press
Ah, cheese poultry, that's more like it! William Rossa Cole:
What a friend we have in cheeses,
For no food more subtly pleases,
Nor plays so vast a gastronomic par;
Cheese imported - not domestic -
For we all get indigestic
From the pasteurizer's Kraft and sodden art.
No poem we shall ever see is
Quite so lovely as a Brie is,
For the queen of cheese is what the call the Brie;
If you pay sufficient money
You will get one nice and runny,
And you'll understand what foods these morsels be!
How we coven all the skills it
Takes in making Chevre or Tilsit,
But if getting basic Pot Cheese is your aim,
Take some simple curds and wheys, a
Bit of rennet - Lo! you've got a Kaese!
(Vich is what, in German, is a cheese's name.
Good lasagna, its a-gotta
Mozzarella and Ricotta
And a lotta freshly grated Parmesan;
With the latter any pasta
Will be eaten up much faster,
For with Parmesan an added charm is on.
Ask your average padrone
What he thinks of Provalone,
And the very word will set his eyes aflame;
Then go ask the bounteous Gina
Her reaction to Fontina-
If you'll raise your eyes you'll see she feels the same.
A Pont-l'Evêque au point! What ho!
How our juices all will flow!
But don't touch a Pont-l'Evêque beyond that stage,
For what you'll have, you'll surely find
Is just an overfragrant rind-
There's no benefit to this formage from age.
Claret, dear, not Coca-Cola,
When you're having Gorgonzola-
Be particular to serve the proper wines;
Likewise pick an Beaune, not Coke for
Pointing up a Bleu or Roquefort-
Bless the products of the bovines and the vines!
Ave Gouda! Ave Boursault!
Ave Oka even more so!
Ave Neufchâtel! Saluto Port-Salut!
And another thing with cheeses-
Every allied prospect pleases-
Ah cheese omelet! Ah Welsh rabbit! Ah fondue!
And we all know that "Say cheese" is
How a cameraman unfreezes
A subject in a stiff, or shy, or dour way;
There's no other food so useful,
So bring on a whole cabooseful
Of the stuff of life - the cheese of the gourmet!
Excellent! The only thing that could follow that wonderful cheese board is the fruit bowl.
Yeah, W R Cole is (was? I seem to remember he recently passed) a brilliant versifier. Invented the River Rhyme form.
To Butter a Bagel
By: Alma Denny
To Butter a bagel
You need to finagle
Just to inveigle
The slithering spread
To the edge of the bread,
Avoid the hole
Of this crisp Jewish roll
Lest globs of goo land
In the palm of your hand.
If you want to add extras
You'd better be dexterous
And nab the stray blocks
Of cream cheese and lox
That fall through the middle
Of this no-middle vittle
Trouble is, give these Americans a fruit bowl and they'll just play football in it (and not even proper football). We all know you have to play in a cup.
what a bunch of BULL. dlc
"One things sure, and nothing's surer:
The rich get richer and the poor get children."