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My Poem???
Posted by: Kelsey (---.crtntx1.dsl.gtei.net)
Date: October 03, 2001 05:50PM

i wrote this poem and i was wondering if u thought it was any good:

Trees wallow in the breeze,
bushes stand strong against the wind.
The sun croaches down on its knees,
a cloud creeps around the bend.
The new day is beginning,
fighting the old for the spotlight.
A new day pushes foward, winning,
while the old cowers in height.
With the new day comes the sun,
now standing tall exemplifying pride.
As the sneaking cloud comes to join this fun,
the sunshine abruptly died.
Its life was suddenly done,
just as the torrential downpours began.
The clouds were crying for their loss,
as were the trees like a blubbering man.
Now, the new life was just beginning,
and nature knew it would take it on proud.

Kelsey Laurel Richerson

Copyright 2001 Kelsey Richerson


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: Watchman (198.108.227.---)
Date: October 03, 2001 06:18PM

Look at the way you wrote your poem. See how it seems carved and how every line ends another thought. This has a tendency to become monotonous. The end of each line shouldn't neccesarily end the thought. The poem should flow.

You do have some word usage that I enjoyed. Keep it up!



Kelsey wrote:


i wrote this poem and i was wondering if u thought it
was any good:

Trees wallow in the breeze,
bushes stand strong against the wind.
The sun croaches down on its knees,
a cloud creeps around the bend.
The new day is beginning,
fighting the old for the spotlight.
A new day pushes foward, winning,
while the old cowers in height.
With the new day comes the sun,
now standing tall exemplifying pride.
As the sneaking cloud comes to join this fun,
the sunshine abruptly died.
Its life was suddenly done,
just as the torrential downpours began.
The clouds were crying for their loss,
as were the trees like a blubbering man.
Now, the new life was just beginning,
and nature knew it would take it on proud.

Kelsey Laurel Richerson

Copyright 2001 Kelsey Richerson


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: Hugh Clary (---.sdsl.cais.net)
Date: October 03, 2001 09:35PM


Look at the way you wrote your poem. See how it seems
carved and how every line ends another thought. This has a
tendency to become monotonous. The end of each line shouldn't
neccesarily end the thought. The poem should flow.

You do have some word usage that I enjoyed. Keep it up!
Watchman

I'm not sure about those objections to the flow, but I
did have other problems with it.

Kelsey wrote:

i wrote this poem and i was wondering if u thought it
was any good:

Trees wallow in the breeze,
bushes stand strong against the wind.
The sun croaches down on its knees,
a cloud creeps around the bend.

Sets up the meter & rhyme: 4 beats/line, abab.
Trees/breeze/knees I like, but the spelling
error on crouches stings and the cloud creeping
around the bend seems hackneyed. Plus, I am not sure
trees can wallow in the same breeze where bushes
are standing in wind.

The new day is beginning,
fighting the old for the spotlight.
A new day pushes foward, winning,
while the old cowers in height.

Well, heck, now the meter changes. Mostly 3 beats
to the line here, and the spotlight/height rhyme
is weak because spotlight is normally pronounced
with the stress on the first syllable. Cowers in
height is strange - why would it cower at all, much
less in height?

With the new day comes the sun,
now standing tall exemplifying pride.
As the sneaking cloud comes to join this fun,
the sunshine abruptly died.

The meter is jumping all over the place, and the
change in verb tense is strange. Died is a rhyme,
but everything was in the present tense up to now,
and the switch to past tense jolts me again.

Its life was suddenly done,
just as the torrential downpours began.
The clouds were crying for their loss,
as were the trees like a blubbering man.
Now, the new life was just beginning,
and nature knew it would take it on proud.


The rhyme scheme disappeared! Blubbering man
is a poor comparison, and the ending lacks punch.

Kelsey Laurel Richerson

Copyright 2001 Kelsey Richerson

I'm not 100% certain you are going to need copyright
protection for this one, Kelsey.


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: Desi (---.a2000.nl)
Date: October 04, 2001 07:59AM


Hugh, ever heard of constructive critisism? Kelsey, for your information: Hugh knows more about metre and rhyme scheme than anyone around here (and elsewhere I suppose), so most of the things he noticed, I wouldn't have.

On the whole I like your poem, it has very nice expressions. I do agree with Hugh on the point that I would like a more striking end. Something that makes you remember the poem.


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: Hugh Clary (---.sdsl.cais.net)
Date: October 04, 2001 11:49AM


Heck, I thought I was being constructive! Reading my words
over again this morning, they look pretty dumb, though. Sigh.


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: matt (---.ba-dsg.net)
Date: October 22, 2001 03:11AM

it captures the moment, i can actually visualize what you are saying , i think it is well written.


Re: My Poem???
Posted by: kelseyr (204.95.134.---)
Date: December 27, 2008 11:17PM

So I just have to say...I wrote this and I don't know who this person is that posted it! I decided to google my name to see what comes up if/when employers search it...it's especially funny since I wrote this, oh, when I was probably 11 or 12. Hahaha.




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